Wandering Thoughts

Today is a new day. Forget yesterday, put on a brave face, move forward, and make the most out of the new day. I’ve heard this before, you’ve probably heard this before, but why do we try to enforce this way of living when most of us are incapable of doing this? If you’re wanting someone to be this positive, non-insecure, happy person all of the time, are you actually getting to know the real them? In my personal opinion, if you mask all of your insecurities with this positive, nothing is wrong with me attitude, you will eventually come to a breaking point from hiding everything for so long. I do however, believe that thinking positively about situations will help the outcome. An example of this is by going to work and saying “today will be a good day.” With this post, I am discussing the foolish aspect of being expected to be in this good, happy mood all of the time. The most empowered I feel is when I actually feel like I can open up about my struggles and insecurities.  

 This whole “being in a good mood” thing is something I have definitely struggled with. I am not always this jolly, happy person, especially at home. I know that it is hard to live with or be around someone who is moody, short with words, and somber a lot of the time. There are days when I am in a great mood and things are good, but there are inevitably days that I feel more melancholy. I feel like I give off this vibe when I am not feeling like myself, where I just really want to sit alone in my own head and try to sort out my thoughts. I am an introvert, so I internalize everything that I am feeling. Sometimes my mood can come off rude to people, especially when I feel like I am under a lot of pressure at one time. I feel like I am in my own head so much of the day, that I cannot fully be present in situations. This can cause me to be more somber and not this “happy go lucky” person that people seemingly want me to be. I would not say I am severely depressed, but I definitely have struggled with depression before. I’d say I have a sense of high-functioning depression, meaning I can go through my day to day motions, but in all reality, it feels like exactly that: motions. 

I go through the motions, kind of like a machine, where it does what it is programmed to do when it needs to, without anything else involved. Yes, I know that machines break down and malfunction from time to time but for the most part, they go through the functions it has to when it is in use. Sometimes I feel like that as a person, I have to shut off my emotions at work to prevent from getting attached to a very sick, very nice, humble, patient because I know that they might not have a good outcome for their future. I have to shut off my emotions at home, to prevent from disclosing more about my insecurities than I want to, because of this fear of being perceived as “weak.” I have to just go through the motions during the day, go to sleep, wake up, and do things all over again. This has been really hanging heavy on me lately, because I am an empath, and I absorb people’s pain and emotions like a sponge. There are days I come home, and feel emotionally drained and exhausted. I feel like I do not deserve the life I have, because there are people out there who are suffering or struggling for absolutely no good reason. There are children that are hungry, there are people that are sick, there is so much physical and emotional pain that people endure everyday, and I come home to a home, with heat and a blanket to cuddle up with on the couch, in good health, and I can’t help but wonder if I am doing my part in this world to deserve that. 

My mind wanders so much, I get these random bursts of thought that I really think about and want to research. I get to feeling like I am internalizing things and I look for things to read about, where others discuss how they work through these internal issues. I get overwhelmed easily, and I let my emotions show sometimes when I really try my best not to. There are days when I feel like my emotions, thoughts and feelings start to take control of me and I say or do things I normally would not do. I get easily annoyed with things and people and express my frustrations outwardly rather than taking a second to calm down before approaching the actual problem.

I get a lot of criticism in my relationship about how I tend to not be fully engaged in conversations when my partner is talking. I am not trying to air out my dirty laundry in my relationship on here, I am discussing some of the insecurities and flaws I see in myself. I know it can be frustrating for someone to feel like they are talking to someone who does not appear to care about what they are saying, I have been there. Truth is, sometimes I am not paying much attention. In no way, shape or form am I trying to be heartless or offensive to my partner, I am just being honest. This is where I feel like my mind consumes me and takes over my actual wants and needs. I need to be present in conversations with my partner, and actually make an effort to care about whatever it is that he is talking about. I tend to get irritated during long drawn out stories that he tries to describe. It is hard to understand, and listen to someone else when you can barely organize your own thoughts for yourself. This is something I need to work on, but I feel like I battle with my own mind about it. 

I get overstimulated easily, especially with noises, colors, lights, strong scents; basically I shut down when there is too much going on at once. I like balance, harmony, peace, and quiet. This is weird, but when I am trying to get into “focus mode,” I like to have one, vibey beat song playing at a lower volume, on repeat. At this moment, the song I am listening to is called Aloha by Møme, feat. Merryn Jeann. I just found it today, and I think it has a good flow. I feel like the balance of the same song gives my mind something to drown out the background noises. I get easily distracted by background noises, like cars passing by, the heat kicking on and off, and/or my cat destroying everything we own. I can’t sit still very long usually either, I usually need to get up and walk around to just clear my head to get focused. Once I am finally focused, the possibilities are endless. 

I am a routine kind of person, which I absolutely hate about myself. I wish I could adapt to a change of plan, without feeling like everything is automatically ruined. On my days off, I usually have this plan that I am going to wake up, eat breakfast, go tanning, get my daily dose of Burger King chicken fries, come home, take a shower, get in some cozy clothes, and do something productive. This is usually not the case at all. I get in these afternoon slumps, where I lose my motivation and don’t want to do anything. Once it starts approaching time for my partner to come home from work, I get in this somber mood that my whole day is now gone and that I wasted it, yet again. I usually am a very motivated person, but as time goes on I have started to lose that sense of urgency and motivation and I am not sure why. I feel like maybe it is because I pushed myself too hard when I was younger, only to feel like none of that really matters now. Maybe, it is because people who didn’t work as hard, can get the same results by putting in half the work. I need to stop comparing people and situations, and spend less time focusing on other people and more time focusing on myself. This is something I actively have been working on, and it has gotten better. 

I just feel like I have rambled a lot on here, but I feel like my mind is full of thoughts and sometimes I don’t really know how to organize them properly. I think about certain things more than others, and I need to be more open and address those issues head on rather than burying them to rediscover another day. I have started to feel much better, and more relieved after talking about things I am internalizing. If you feel that way, I highly recommend talking about it. Start a diary or a journal, share it with someone you feel comfortable with. If you are an introvert like me, this blog or a journal is the best way for me to express my emotions. I feel like they get more organized when they are right in front of me. I am a visual learner, seeing things organized right in front of me something helps me understand it better.  We are all in this life together, so if you are, or someone you know is struggling, reach out to those around you. So, spread good vibes to others around you, and be understanding if not everyone returns the same good vibes back to you. Everyone is fighting an internal battle, you might just not know exactly what that battle is right yet. Thank you all for reading, I really appreciate your support and hope you have a good rest of the week.