In My Mind

I feel like I have had a little bit of writer’s block lately. I have been struggling to think about things to write about because it is so hard to relate to everyone with every topic. Also, I have been finishing up my school work, which I did complete and officially have my Bachelor’s degree! I feel like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders, but I still feel like I am not sure what is next for me. I am a project type of person and I feel like I need another project now that this one is complete. I just sometimes think maybe I need to just write about how I feel, instead of only focusing on about going on in society. 

I feel like lately, I have been struggling a lot with trying to find myself. I know that seems to sound a little bit strange, but I feel like I have been trying to figure out what is going on in my head and why I am so  closed off to so many things. In light of mental health in today’s society, I think it is important to express to my readers that I struggle with anxiety, which causes me to have anger issues, depressive episodes, and social isolation. I feel like mental health is something a lot of people can really connect on, partially because we all need to preserve our mental health to make us our best selves. I struggle with opening up about things going on in my mind, and I feel like this post is just kind of me getting things off my chest and sharing sides of myself that I have yet to really process. I live this life of being in denial about a lot of things, but realistically being in denial does not help anything. I feel like vulnerability helps you connect with those around you who have struggle to find themselves as well. 

Part of the question to ask is: what is it that is causing us to struggle so much internally? The answers to that question are endless, and no response should ever be invalidated. At times, it can be hard to even figure out what is causing your mind to feel a certain way when really you don’t want to feel that way. I once was given a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder, and put on medication, which did not help whatsoever. I think every mental illness is very different and may present itself with a little differing symptoms in comparison with someone else with the same diagnosis. I did later find out that I was misdiagnosed, and was eventually diagnosed with ADHD. ADHD does explain a lot for me, my impulsive actions, my inattention, my social interactions, my energy, and my ability to skip from topic to topic within about 3 seconds. With proper medication regimens, it helped me slow down to see more of life and become a lot more intuitive to my surroundings. I also feel like it has made me smarter, which technically is not the case. I feel like medication bridges the gap between the actual knowledge and physical application. It has also brought me to some difficulties as well. The more intuitive and observant I have become, I have started to see things very differently which has caused me to break off a lot of attachments to people, friends, and even family because I feel like I am so different from a lot of people. I also think as we age, we become more socially isolated as well so I think that might have some contribution to my situations. 

Sometimes I feel like my thoughts get so blurred that I do not feel like myself. I just want to scream on top of mountains at times, just to let out these thoughts and emotions I bottle up inside. I have high-functioning anxiety, meaning I can live a successful normal life day after day, constantly fighting this internal battle in my mind, and hiding it all in order to go on with the motions. My life might look great on paper, but I feel like that is not always the case. I am grateful, let me clarify, because I feel very blessed to have a roof over my head, food to eat, a good job, a loving and supportive family, my health, and much more. It is not that I am anything but grateful, but I think not everyone should be viewed that they are anything but happy because they have a lot of money, a nice car or a nice house.  Setting these standards that people who are living good lives cannot struggle internally is nonsense, because we are human and not all of our emotional needs are always met the way we need them met.

Another question to ask is, how much of our mental health stems from other things that have happened in our lives? From childhood trauma, to adolescent bullying, even issues in adulthood, things that have happened in our lives shape us into the people we are. I believe that is why people change throughout their lives. As long as you keep your core values, your personality and interests will change through time based on experiences you have been through. I feel like I have always struggled with this feeling of inadequacy. From a young age, I knew I was different from people around me, and I felt like a lot of times I was never going to be the person that people wanted me to be. Some would say, “I marched to the beat of my own drum.” I wanted to do things my way, learn from my mistakes, and move forward. I felt like I spent a lot of my adolescent years trying to prove to myself that I was not inadequate and that I could accomplish so much more. Something I felt like I lacked in my life as a young child and teen was that pat on the back feeling for accomplishing something. At this time in my life honestly, I am thankful for that because I feel like it makes me feel like I have more to accomplish before I feel satisfied. That also can be a bad thing though, because as humans we do need recognition sometimes. I do get that recognition now, but it just honestly does not feel very valuable. I am thankful that people tell me they are proud of me, but really if I am not proud of myself or I start to think “well it was not that hard, it isn’t that big of a deal,” it will never feel adequate. If you are a selfless person, you believe in doing things for the greater good of those around you. I spent a great deal of my young life being told that I would not accomplish things I wanted to accomplish which lit a fire inside of me to ensure that I made something valuable of myself. I have no hatred or anger for those who doubted me in my life, because we all live and learn but I am thankful to have had that fire inside of me because I am in a good spot today. I just struggle with giving myself credit for things, I tend to think of things that come easy for me not as accomplishments but as normal things we have to go through. I tend to get in my head and say “no struggle, no pain, no gain,” which yes I know it is something to work on. 

I have come to realize that I have to make time to recharge my internal batteries. I struggle to find a balance in myself when I am in solitude and when I am around people. I like sitting alone in a cold, chill vibe, room in silence, because when your brain and thoughts are so loud, the visual, tactile, and auditory stimulation is too much. I hate large groups of people, I hate small talk. I do not connect with people very well, partially because I think so deeply about so many things in life and quite frankly, I am a little weird and a bit socially awkward. I am just very introverted in my thoughts, and I struggle to find a balance of being an introvert in a world full of extroverts. 

I feel things very deeply. I feel this overwhelming sense of guilt in myself, for not being there for some people when they need me, or for not making them feel like I care about them when I do. I am not a vocal person about my feelings. If I care about someone, I will do it silently from the sidelines. I have gotten attached to people and have lost them or they have betrayed me so I have this terrible defense mechanism of putting up this shield between me and other people. I do not allow myself to get open or close to people, because they either leave, hurt me, or pass away.. I break attachments before they start which makes having friendships and relationships very difficult for me. This metal shield I put up towards the world is definitely not the best mechanism because it does not allow me to be open or vulnerable. I socially isolate myself, partially because of my anxiety and because I find it easier to focus on my own mental health if I am alone. If I stay closed off, it gives less people power over my emotions. This is something I have been struggling with the last couple of years. I spent a lot of my high-school and early college years trying to find someone to love me, because I always felt this sense of disconnect from myself and other people around me. I felt broken, incapable of being loved. I wanted so badly to feel valuable to someone else, I forgot how to give myself value on my own. I have learned a lot about giving myself value and self-love within the last couple of years, and I am working on it more and more each day. I am also working on trying to find this balance of vulnerability and completely closing myself off to the world. Each day is a work in progress, but eventually I will get there. 

I feel like for not posting in a couple of weeks, this one was kind of heavy. Lately, I feel like with the thoughts on my mind that I really need to share more of myself or write about it to get some of my thoughts in order. I enjoy Pinterest, and having a board called “In my mind..” which has a lot of different quotes about how I am feeling on a day to day basis. This is not one of those encouraging messages saying yes you will overcome anything, if you just have faith. I have witnessed that in life, that is not always the case. Faith can be lost, people can feel so broken that it results in tragic outcomes. I eventually want to open up about my anxiety, my fears, my insecurities so I will save that for another day. What I can say is, if you feel alone in your own mind and thoughts, reach out to others to find if anyone can relate to you. Social media is a powerful thing, there are so many groups on Facebook for people with different personalities, and different mental health diagnoses that you can join. It can give you a sense of feeling like you are not the only one who feels a certain way. If you are struggling, try to remain grateful, because being grateful can give you this sense of feeling that you do have many blessings that surround you. My wish for all of my readers is that they will always stay humble and stay hopeful in life. Always remember, you are not broken, you are just a work in progress and good things take time. I hope I can relate to some people in this, I feel like I skipped around a little bit, but I think that might represent how much my mind runs in circles at times. Thanks for reading, and I hope to post more things soon.

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