The Art of Feeling Like You Are Enough
“You’ll have moments when you feel like a lion, and moments when you feel like a mouse. Just know that no matter how you feel, you still have a heartbeat and a soul worthy of love, so learn to roar even when you feel small, because you are more than the feelings you may have.” -T.B. LaBerge
When I started my journey of self-discovery, I really did not know what exactly I should expect to get out of it. There are things I had hoped to get out of it such as clarity on my inner thoughts and feelings, letting go of the past, and self-forgiveness. One thing I got out of it that I didn’t expect is this immense self-love and self-respect. I don’t feel the need to put on a false front to impress people. I just go into each day being my genuine, authentic self and I have been happier every single day because of it. Something else I got out of “finding value for myself” is also very high standards. I just won’t settle for anything less than what I feel is contributing positively to my growth. I have stayed in bad situations such as a bad job because I truly believed that nothing better would come. I refuse to do this ever again. If I am unhappy, I will move on. I might not know where my next step is but I will take it and put my faith in the good Lord to lead me in the right direction. I want to actively choose my path, not just settle for the “well this is good enough” route. (I’m happy at my current job, don’t worry! There are good days and bad days to every job you choose. As long as the good decently outweigh the bad, you’re in good shape.) I won’t tolerate disrespect. I won’t allow someone to make me feel inferior. I know who I am and what I bring to the table. I have found genuine love for spending time alone. I like to think I am funny, I might not be but oh well. I like to make myself laugh, it’s hard to be lonely when you can entertain yourself.
It’s so hard for me to sit back and watch people I care about settle for someone or something less than what they deserve. I’ve come to realize why so many people spend their lives settling for people, places, and things that do not even make them a better version of themselves. In this life, we all have at least one insecurity, most of us probably have many more. We’ve been critical of ourselves. We’ve held on to our mistakes and allowed them to make us into this walking zombie of a person who feels unworthy of finding happiness. We’ve told ourselves that we can do better, work harder, and/or go faster. Other people have pointed out our flaws and insecurities that we already are aware of, making it much harder to let go of. There are things I feel very sensitive about and when someone brings it up out of anger, it’s enough to break me down. As if I am not already very critical and hard on myself, I don’t need someone else adding to it.
My biggest insecurity I am actively trying to work through is this feeling of being “hard to love.” Am I hard to love? Absolutely. I can be difficult and hard to please. I seem to want something different than what someone feels like they are giving. Someone might be giving their “all” but their “all” might not be what I am actively searching for. The thing I have come to realize is that I don’t really want that much. To others, it might seem like I want a lot, which I can understand. I like for someone to be clean/organized, pick up after themselves, be a 50/50 team player, take ownership of their mistakes, be more self-aware of the things they do and how their actions affect others, respect women and see them as the strong, powerful beings that they are, desire more out of life than a paycheck, and to be genuinely understanding . The thing I want the absolute most though is for someone to see me the way I see myself, in fact, better than the way I see myself. It’s exhausting to feel like you have to prove something to someone all of the time. It starts to give you these doubts that all of your progress is not actual progress at all and that I am in the same place that I started in. Due to this feeling of being hard to love, difficult to please, and a bit demanding, I tend to think that I am not enough. This tends to cause me to give away pieces of me that I really don’t want to give leading me into being someone that I am not.
Throughout this journey, I analyzed this insecurity of feeling “hard to love” and I had to see it for what it really is. Yeah, I might be a little broken, kind of complicated, a bit of a rollercoaster, indecisive, picky, deeply intuitive, highly-sensitive, feel everyone’s emotions around me type of girl, but I am much more than my flaws. I had to change my mindset, and truly believe this simple statement.
I am good enough and I deserve more than what I allow myself to accept.
I mean, I may have negative qualities but I also have great qualities too. If you are reading this and have felt this same way before, stop focusing on the bad and look at all the good that you are. I have a huge heart, I work hard, I am a 50/50 partner, I am silly, I am authentic, I am resilient, I am independent, and I am supportive. I am also a person who will care so deeply for you, empathize with you, see your side of the pain-but I will only do this if you can do the same for others. If you can see that not everyone is built like you, not everyone can hold all of their broken pieces together the same, and that we all come from different experiences and backgrounds, I will be the most empathetic, compassionate person towards you. Those who I allow to be closest to me are the ones I am also critical of. I want to surround myself with people who can be kind, understanding, and not so judgmental of others. I feel more connected with a recovering addict, struggling to stay sober, than I can with a person who grew up without a struggle, and has never felt true, genuine emotional pain. In my personal opinion, those who are or have been at their weakest, and who are building themselves back up from rock bottom are the true warriors out there. How can a “strong” person know the true meaning of strength if they’ve never felt struggle? How can you find strength if you’ve never been weak? How can you justify how someone else feels and/or acts if you have never been there?
If you find yourself in this rut, searching for someone to love you, places to accept you, friends to understand you, stop right now because you are looking in all the wrong places. The place you are forgetting to search is inside of you. Do not allow your insecurities and flaws to dictate the life you will live. You deserve more in your life than what you settle for, make excuses for, and more than what you are willing to accept. If someone doesn’t love or accept you for every ounce of imperfection that you are, then that person is not the person for you. We all carry baggage with us, some more than others and we need to own it, and be proud of the pain that has shaped us into the strong individuals we are trying to become. Keep your standards high, make people come to you, be someone that others chase after, not someone who chases after everyone else. If you give more of yourself to try to find someone or something to help you fill this deep void inside of you, you will wind up feeling empty, lost, and unhappy.
To those who have been at rock bottom, to those who grew up with troubled childhood memories, to those who struggle with insecurities, to those who have or are currently struggling with feelings of anxiety or depression, you are not alone. I think the community of warriors who have built themselves back up from rock bottom in the face of adversity, those who have done things that people said they could never do is a much larger community than the group of those who sit on the sidelines and judge you. Just be kind to those who may not understand what true emotional and/or physical pain is like, and be the bigger person. It will give you more fulfillment and shape you into a better person each day. To me personally, I don’t view weakness as the opposite definition of strength. Weakness is only the start of your discovery to find strength. We all have to start somewhere. The path we take could consist of winding roads, full of bumps or gravel, through the forest, or even under the water. The path you take might be a different distance and route than the path of someone else. In the words of Franklin D. Roosevelt, “smooth seas never made a skilled sailor.” The only way to go from the bottom is up. Stay hopeful, stay focused, and stay humble, and always remember, when the lights that once shined are now dim, all hope is lost, and you are empty…you are not alone. You will find that hope that you have lost, each day is a new opportunity to rise above the pain and create the life you wish to live for yourself.
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