To Feel Unable to Give and Receive Love

“I’m avoidant. I’m dismissive. I tell myself I’m happy, but deep down I know that something’s missing. All around me, people making these significant connections and I don’t know how they make it all look so easy.” -Holly Leemaster; @musingsbyholly

Today’s topic is going to be a heavy one because it is one I need to address within myself and it is one I’ve been avoiding for a while now. I’ve known that this has been a problem, but I truly never realized how impactful it is on my life and in my relationships until recently.

I don’t know about how many of you feel, but I feel emotionally numb most of the time. I intentionally do not get attached to people, places, experiences, or even ideas anymore because I’ve learned throughout my life that everything is temporary. I also work in a healthcare profession and I would not be able to cope if I allowed myself to get too attached to every patient I encounter. I am such a deeply sensitive individual.  Something that might appear small can have the potential to cause me severe emotional pain and if I’m being honest, after experiencing so much loss, being numb is better than being broken.  These feelings are often grouped together into something called “emotional detachment.”

I have known for a couple of years now that I’ve become an emotionally distant person. I push away anyone who attempts to get close to me. I dismiss their feelings for “being too sensitive.” I get so self-focused on keeping my own head above water that I have no interest in caring about someone else’s feelings at the end of the day. I have a huge heart and I have so much love in my heart to give. I am also one of the most empathetic, understanding people that I know, but when it comes to being in a relationship, all of that really goes out the window. I’m scared to lean on someone else. I’m scared to be vulnerable. I am scared to lose control of myself by letting someone else in. I’m scared to love someone else when I struggle to give enough love to myself. I’m scared that I will lose my progress I’ve been working so hard on in my own self-growth and development. I’m scared that I will become emotionally dependent on someone again and that they will not be there one day. Like I said before, to me, everything in my life feels temporary.  

I recently decided to take two different “attachment style” tests which presented the same results for me; I have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. I’ve been reading a lot of articles, and watching videos talking more in-depth about this attachment style. However, when it came to the part of the article or video where it offers solutions and/or treatments, I found myself scrolling past it or closing out of the page in general. Why was I doing this? Am I really okay with the fact that I cannot give or receive love? Am I really okay with the fact that I am horrendously afraid to lean on absolutely anyone? I needed to ask myself if I was really okay with being alone for the rest of my life; because that is what is going to happen if I do not address this issue at some point.

I have very strict boundaries around me, and I’ve built tall, concrete emotional walls around me that are nearly impossible to get through. I’ve spent the last couple of years emotionally closing myself off to everyone around me. Even though it has gotten a little better, I still remain a little bit emotionally distant from everyone. I struggle to open up and I absolutely hate vulnerability. When in a relationship or even a friendship, I am easily frustrated when people need too much of my time and/or energy. I often dismiss them as needy or annoying. I self-sabotage anything good that could come my way. I keep my circle small. I’ve broken attachment to the people around me that I care about because the thought of or actual loss of them causes such a deep pain; one that is much worse than the emotional numbness I’ve lived with for quite some time.

I know that I’ve always had an “avoidant” attachment style but I think my attachment style switched from what was once a fearful-avoidant attachment to now a dismissive-attachment style after my struggle with depression a few years back. I remember trying to lean on my partner and he was really focused on his own life at the time, which is understandable. I know, looking back, that I was an emotional train wreck and he was unprepared for how to handle me in that state. He was starting school in the fall and was worried that my emotional trauma and stress would be a distraction for his own future. He told me: “you need to learn how to carry your own weight.” You know, those words at the time were so hard to hear. I felt stupid, weak, and desperate that I needed someone to carry most of my weight out of this emotional state. Looking back, I know it was selfish to expect him to put his life and emotions on hold to help me hold mine together. Those words, however, fundamentally changed my life. I set forth to learn how to “carry my own weight.” Once I was strong enough to carry it all, I’ve never really let someone help carry anything else for me again after that.

I’ve become so self-sufficient and I’ve worked damn hard to become strong enough to carry all of my emotional weight on my own. I am not one to allow just anyone (or anyone really) to come in, break down my emotional walls, receive the love I know I need for myself, and see the vulnerability I truly have beneath the surface. I know that this makes me a lousy, and frustrating partner to be with.

I’ve talked before about how things in our childhood and experiences throughout our life have such an impact on us consciously and subconsciously. I’ve been trying to recall things to recognize moments in my life when I’ve been let down, disappointed, got too attached to something, or have even experienced intense emotional pain. I know I desperately craved the love I needed from my parents, especially my mom. I’ve already written about that as well. I also wanted to feel validated, seen for who I was and I have always felt that emotional security was missing in my childhood. Being mentally, financially, and emotionally independent were traits that my parents always tried instilling in me.

My dad has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, always has, probably always will. I know he loved me very much but I also know that him having a deeply intuitive, emotional, highly-sensitive child was not his specialty area. I also felt that my mom was emotionally absent, and it did not help once her mother (my grandmother) passed away. I think I was used to my dad being emotionally closed off, but I really think I hoped things would be different with my mom. Since I did not feel like I had that secure attachment with the people closest to me, I would seek it out elsewhere and it was never found until I finally fell to rock bottom and had to find it for myself, within myself. Like I’ve said many times before, I am not mad at my parents or other caregivers for things they did to me that have caused me to live in this state of mind. I love them all dearly and I’ve forgiven them years ago. I do write about it though because I want to get to the bottom of where some of my deep-rooted issues stem from.

I wanted to be so focused on success, and I was. I was ambitious, hopeful, hard-working, and very self-driven. I was a very emotional child and teenager and I always felt like my emotions were never validated or understood. While I wanted to focus so much on my career and my future, I could not help but fall back into patterns of craving attention from people who would give it to me. I just desperately wanted to be seen, validated, and loved and I think after being let down so many times, I finally gave up. Once I found that all within myself, I am having a hard time letting those walls down.  

It does bother me occasionally that I am very emotionally numb and I have been writing this to seek out answers within my soul to find out how I can cope with this. Every time I write a blog or write about things in general, the solution(s) always present themselves out of nowhere, usually midway through my writing. It’s almost like a lightbulb moment of wow, this was the answer all along!, This is the first time the lightbulb is not turning on and I don’t have all of the answers or solutions to this one. However, I have come to realize this, the first step to solving a problem is identifying that there is a problem in the first place. I’ve got that part down. I know that something is missing in me and I know there is significant room for improvement in order for me to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone.

The one thing I need to do is to stop dismissing other people’s emotions, and allow them to feel all of the feelings. I have accepted that this is part of who I am, and if I do find myself unintentionally hurting someone by my lack of emotions, I need to own up to it and take responsibility rather than blame them for being “too sensitive.” Sometimes I can come across as being narcissistic, selfish and/or arrogant, but in reality, I am none of these things. I need to make sure those around me know that I can only give so much of my love away and that this is something I am working through, day by day.

The answer I’ve found within my soul today is this: right now, I don’t want to change my attachment fully because for now, this is the shield I require in order to hold myself together and to be able to continue my self-discovery, soul-searching journey. I feel in my soul that truthfully, this is a coping mechanism for me because I am not emotionally “strong” enough to be fully secure in a relationship or to allow myself to be fully vulnerable yet.  For now, I need to remember my favorite metaphor I tell myself about life every single day: this is a marathon, not a sprint. I don’t have to have all of the answers today, I won’t have all of them tomorrow, but I can continue to work on my growth and healing from pain and trauma that I’ve held onto for so long. By doing these things, I am hopeful that my attachment style will transform from being avoidant to being secure. I just have to be patient, present, and trust that the answers will come to me when the timing is right for me.

If you personally struggle with this, I know how hard it can be, but don’t give up on finding solutions and don’t give up on those around you. Someone, somewhere wants to love you and see you for all of the beauty and flaws that you possess. One day, you will be ready to give love and to be loved the way you deserve to be. Thank you for reading, have a blessed day.