To Reflect on the Past to Move Forward to the Future
“You are never too old to set a new goal or dream a new dream.” -C.S. Lewis
The year of 2020 is finally coming to a close. Christmas is over and before we know it, we will be ringing in the new year with champagne and virtual zoom new year’s eve parties. This year has been crazy for everyone. It has brought a lot of loss, a lot of fear, a lot of pain and suffering, and a lot of unpredictable events that we truly never thought we would imagine seeing in this lifetime. I want to take this blog post today to pause and reflect on this year and to give optimism and hope for 2021 to come.
If you would have told me this time last year that this is where I would be sitting right now, I probably would have laughed at you and thought you were crazy. This year has brought me a lot of confusion, pain, frustration, and fear. It has definitely been a rollercoaster from the early part of this year all the way until this present day. I could spend this entire post talking about how this year took a lot of my soul away from me and left me feeling very empty and lost for quite a while, but I won’t. I don’t want to focus on the bad. I want to focus on the good, you know, the growth.
This year has brought me to points I’ve never thought I’d ever be. It has brought me to lines I never thought I’d cross. It brought me to feelings I never believed were able to be felt. Throughout 2020, I felt like my mental health, my emotional well-being, and the true measure of my inner strength were all put to the test. I found myself lost in places I’d never believed existed. I found that the path I had intended to take was merely just an optimistic plan I had created in my mind.
I’ve talked previously about my goal word of the year for 2020: Discover. To discover to me meant to search deep inside of who I am and to find those missing pieces within my soul throughout this year. Although I might not have accomplished that goal in the ways that I intended to, I realized that discovering myself was much more than reflecting on the pain from my past, and diving into my soul to search for a deeper meaning in my life. The real discovery happened when I was least expecting it.
The true and much-needed discovery that I needed to make this year was simple but it was not until I had fully embraced in the shame I felt from others and from myself that I knew what that discovery was. I felt empty, like I had failed myself and failed others. I thought wholeheartedly that I knew who I was, but I found out I was a little bit wrong about that. In fact, I am actually glad I was wrong because not fully knowing who I am allowed me to embrace the uncertainty and the unpredictable things that happened this year. This lead me to find more myself of than I never even knew I could.
So, I now can pause and reflect on my 2020 goal of the year: what does it mean to discover and what discovery is it that I needed? If you would have asked me this in January, I would have told you that to discover was to intentionally search into the depths of my soul, and to find myself in the midst of the all of the broken pieces that have created me. Although I might have found myself a little differently than I had intended, my definition of discover is to come upon something unexpectedly or intentionally. The part I left out of the original goal and plan was the “finding something unexpectedly.”
The discoveries I’ve truly needed to find begin with this: not everything I needed to find within myself can be found intentionally and that sometimes I have to embrace in the unexpected, unpredictable, sometimes even painful, moments in life in order to truly discover who I am. Even then, I might not ever fully know. I’ve also discovered that it is perfectly acceptable to embrace in the feeling of being lost for a while. To wander is not to actively search, but to simply exist, enjoy the ride, and allow the universe to help guide us to where we need to be.
2021 is on its way and I hope for my findings to be as monumental as I’ve found this year. So, what goal do I have for the new year? What are my word or word(s) of the year going to be? Well, I think I have decided to have three word goals of 2021.
My first goal and word of the year is to challenge. I want to challenge myself in every aspect of my life. I want to challenge myself to remain calm in the chaos, to remain strong through the storms, and to remain open in moments where the safe option is to go back to being closed. I want to challenge myself to be vulnerable and to not allow my losses I’ve had in my life and ones I will have in the future to push me to the place in which I put my guard up so high that it cannot be broken down. I want to do things I’ve always wanted to do but didn’t because I allowed my fear to hold me back. I want to challenge myself into trying new things. I want to push myself intentionally to explore people, places, and ideas that I am uncomfortable with in order to grow. After all, who’s to say I won’t find myself in places I never thought I would ever go? I’m tired of saying “I guess I’ll never know.” I am ready to start saying “I’ll give it a try.”
My second goal and word of the year is spontaneity. This somewhat goes along with my goal to challenge myself to be more spontaneous. As a quote from Mary Oliver states: “Keep room in your heart for the unimaginable.” I want to say yes to new, sometimes crazy adventures, yes to spontaneous ideas and plans, and yes to the things I would typically say no to. I want to explore new adventures, new ideas, and new things. I’m tired of planning things out from A-Z and I want to just exist and let life happen the way it is intended to.
They say the best things in life happen when you are least expecting them!
My third goal and word of the year is to persist. This year was really hard for me because I felt so broken down that I gave up on myself and my journey several times. I sulked in my misery. I felt like I lost my identity and I was willing to accept the definitions and labels others gave to me. I don’t know what came over me that forced me to get up off the ground I felt I was lying on, but whatever that internal voice was, I owe it a lot of gratitude. To remain persistent in my efforts to discover myself and to channel my internal pain into power led me to the growth I feel I have accomplished this year. I want to remain persistent, even on the days I feel like I’ve become too lost to ever find my way back again. I want to persist on this self-discovery journey. I want to be determined to succeed in my life, however that may be. I will remain persistent in that I will always get back up if and when I fall down again.
The moral of this post is that even though we don’t always achieve our goals in the ways we intend to, we must examine the actual goal we had to begin with. By doing this, I found that I had neglected to recognize the unintentional, unexpected growth that could and did come from the unpredicted experiences that I’ve had this year. I’m not making excuses for myself for not achieving the goal I set in the way I intended to. However, I must be forgiving of the circumstances that came unexpectedly, and to adapt to the ever-changing things that will happen throughout life. I truly had to sit down and take time to reflect on the many unexpected things I discovered this year and I had to change my mindset from disappointed to grateful.
Growth does not always happen at the speed, height, or even direction we might hope for but growth is still growth. The entire point of setting new word goals for 2021 is to grow. The ultimate goal I have for myself is to grow. I want to grow into a better person, to find myself in a deeper way, to inspire and help others find their potential, and to find growth in the unpredictable circumstances I’m sure I will find myself in next year. I want to remain patient with myself that my intuitive, deep soul is in the place it belongs right now.
We all grow at different rates, and we might bloom at different times than others. As individuals, we each require a different amount of nutrients to reach our full growth potential. So, my advice to you is to set goals for yourself that will allow you to grow in 2021. Stay optimistic and hopeful, and don’t forget that one small step for someone could be a giant leap for someone else. The only person’s growth you can compare your growth to is your own. Thanks for reading this post. Here’s to a better year in 2021! May your year be filled with growth, discovery and happiness.
The best is yet to come!
