Searching for Freedom Within Your Soul

“I was made to be wild, wicked and free, to carve out my own crazy destiny, to find a place in this world where I can be the most authentic version of me.” -Christy Ann Martine

We live in a world in which we have these expectations that are either self-driven or placed on us by others in our lives. Growing up, we always envisioned this idea of what our life should look like, one that might include an education, and/or a job, a home, a family, a spouse, etc. So many people go after something in life merely because it seems like the “right thing to do.” It’s almost as if there is this unspoken rule that we learn about in which we are expected to live a “conventional” life by making all of the “smart” or “right” choices. The question I must ask myself and to my readers is this: is the life filled with all the “right” choices really a life that makes you even feel like you’re living at all?

I like to think of myself as an idealistic dreamer, or an optimist in life, always living in the now, with hope that the future moments will bring me more happiness and joy than I’ve felt in the past. It’s almost as if I am subconsciously searching for the next best moment in life because it’s that feeling of being alive that gives you great joy.

I wrote a blog back in September about my internal battle in which I was so afraid to allow myself to be happy. (Finding Balance Within Your Soul) I talked about how I was really struggling to loosen the grip on myself, and to allow myself to explore something unconventional, or something new. I was afraid to feel joy or to believe I might be on my path to a higher level of happiness because of my deep rooted fear that eventually, it would all crash and I’d be left with nothing more than sadness and regret. I talked a lot about how I felt like I was so numb to life, unable to experience things I knew I needed. I set goals to allow myself to loosen the grip a little bit. Sometimes reading that blog back makes me sick inside to know that I lived my life feeling that way for several years of my life.

In recent months, I’ve found that the grip I once held so tight on that figurative leash I’ve had wrapped around my mind that prevented me from experiencing happiness has not only loosened, but has been let go of completely. It’s almost as if I either had a tight hold on my mind or no hold at all. The leash is either on too tight or not on at all. It’s this 0-100 feeling. I have really had a lot of trouble finding balance within it all.

I was scared to divert from doing the “right” or “ideal” thing. I was scared to be myself in a world where people expect you to be someone else. For example, it’s almost as if because I’m a nurse, I’m expected to be a certain type of person. It’s like because I’m at the age of 26, I should have this or that in life, none of which I want to begin with. It’s like because I am a female, I should behave a certain way or want certain things. My identity and desires in life are much more than just my career, my gender, my age, or personal, family, and/or societal expectations. I need to explore things on my own to learn lessons. Yes, I learn most of my lessons the hard way. No, I would not change that for anything.

In recent months, I’ve found myself taking chances I never thought I’d take. I have found myself doing things I’ve always been terrified to do. I’ve been getting out of my home more, trying new things, opening my mind more, seeking out new perspectives, connecting with people close to me, and I’ve found myself happier now than I’ve been in a long time. Yeah, I might drink a little more alcohol than I did before. Yeah, I might go out more than I did before. Yeah, I might have put myself in some stupid situations more frequently now than before. However, I also feel more alive now than I ever did before. I’ve grown to love the fact that I’m a little bit lost right now, and I fully embrace all of the feelings that being lost has to offer.

The truth is, what makes me feel the most alive is to feel free. The feeling of freedom, that unconventional, not feeling suffocated, able to be myself in all the ways I want to be type of feeling, is the best feeling in the world. It’s as if in times where I experience that feeling of freedom that I truly feel like myself; alive and at peace in my soul. To be carefree, open, fearless, and full of spontaneity, is all I’ve ever wanted to be. I’ve always wanted to be the person who could take risks, feel the fear, and pursue it anyway. However, I’ve always allowed my fears, anxiety and the judgment from others to stand in the way of finding a life that makes me feel genuinely happy and alive.

I had felt so suffocated, trapped, and isolated for so long. I had been merely existing; just breathing oxygen, working to pay bills, and avoiding anything in my life that had potential to stray me from the “right” or “safe” path I thought I had to be take. After knowing what it feels like to feel alive again, I can say, there is nothing in this world I won’t do to avoid feeling “numb” again. I’m tired of “numb.” I’m tired of being in my “comfort zone.” I’m tired of always making the “right” choices. Most of all, I’m tired of avoiding anything that has potential to make me feel happy.

You know, I think the events in my life lately that I’ve been trying to process are all rooted to this deep desire to find freedom in my life. I’ve found that I drink more than I used to, leading those around me to think I was developing an alcohol problem. I don’t talk about this stuff very often, especially not on a blog but I believe that sharing my own story may help someone else come to terms with theirs. The truth is that it isn’t the alcohol that I am addicted to, it’s the person I am when I have a little bit to drink that I enjoy so much. The person I become isn’t constantly criticizing themselves. That person isn’t having a near panic attack in an uncomfortable social setting. That person isn’t allowing fear to be their barrier to the things they want. For a couple of hours each week, mainly on the weekend, I can be whoever I want to be. I can just be carefree, silly, fun, excited, optimistic, social, bold, and fearless. I can exist around other humans without feeling all of their emotions as my own, even if it’s only for a short time. I feel like for a couple of hours, I am out of the places I feel so trapped in, free to breathe in the fresh air, and I can be myself.

I am so self-reflective about things in my life. People around me seem to not understand that I’ve asked myself questions related to my increased drinking and carelessness I’ve noticed recently. I ask myself why I put myself in dumb situations. I ask myself why I might be a little more risky sometimes than I should be. I ask myself why I’ve recently become more careless with money. I’ve asked myself a lot of things. After discussing this with someone who has always had this strange way of helping me understand myself, it came to my attention that maybe I do these things because I enjoy the feeling of having some type of control in my own life. I love the feeling in which I can do whatever I want, whenever I want (with limits of course) because it’s the only sense of freedom that I have.

The thing I’ve found is that I’ve always been a free-spirited individual at heart, but I’ve been so fearful and anxious to fully embrace it. The feeling of being alive, being free, breathing in fresh air outside, looking at the stars, and simply just enjoying the spontaneous adventures that life has to offer all give me such joy.

Once I allowed myself to actually enjoy life for a change, it was almost as if I instantly developed an addiction to being happy and feeling freedom. I’m not addicted to alcohol, to clubs, to spending money carelessly, or to partying. I’m addicted to experiencing new adventures. To feel happiness at all has shown me that I’ve been living a life that I am so dissatisfied in. I’ve chosen to settle out of fear rather than pursue things out of curiosity. I live a good and blessed life with many people in it that I am so lucky to have. It isn’t the people in my life that leave me feeling empty. It’s something inside of myself.

Everyone seeks to escape reality sometimes, it’s human nature. We all have different ways, some better than others. We all have a reality we have to exist in. The real task at hand is to create a reality in which you don’t have to escape from. In order to do this, I have to identify and face my fears. If not, I can continue living a dissatisfying, non-fulfilling life until I’m ready to take the leap of faith and conquer my fears. The choice is mine to make.

I do remember the days when I was too scared to allow myself to be happy. Then, I allowed myself to become too happy, too careless, and neglect things in my daily life. It’s almost like I always do things in life in a three step process. I go from 0-100, then I have to find a balance between the two. Step 1: Identify the fear, and find a way to face it. Step 2: Embrace the uncertainty and take the risk. Step 3: If step 2 goes too far, learn how to control and balance yourself in this process and learn from your mistakes. The real goal here is to make this a two-step process, however if step 3 is needed from time to time, so be it. Lessons are learned through experiences in which we don’t always expect or want to happen.

I’ve found a theme that most of my posts are always related to finding a sense of freedom within myself. It’s like I still struggle to break these chains and fully embrace who I want to be. I still find myself having to balance myself cognitively and sometimes, I wonder if that was because I’d been forcing myself to pretend that I was happy to make myself feel like I was not as low as I once was. It seems so sad to think at one point, I was so numb to life. Like I said, I refuse to live like that anymore. This year, my word of the year was “to challenge.” It’s time to challenge myself to balance my life out, to challenge myself to become the person I want to be, to explore life, and to find that freedom I’ve been so deeply longing to feel.

Thank you for reading and I hope you have a blessed day.