Finding Balance Within Your Soul
“Life is a repeated cycle of getting lost and then finding yourself again. There are many smaller cycles within that cycle where you get lost to a smaller degree and then remember yourself again. Sometimes you do it to yourself on purpose, consciously or unconsciously. Every time you get lost it is so that you can learn something or experience something from a different perspective.”-Jay Woodman
I came across this question in my deck of “Empowering Questions” that I purchased on Amazon. The question reads: How and how often do I give myself permission to enjoy life? How do I feel then? It took me a minute to really read and understand this question because in my head I was thinking, permission to enjoy life? What does that even mean? Once I took time to think this question through, I thought it was the perfect topic to discuss the things I’ve been experiencing in my life now and have been for quite some time.
I feel like right now is the perfect time to be very open and vulnerable with my readers about exactly what I have been feeling, thinking, and experiencing these last couple of months. Being vulnerable is never easy and it is never something I get excited about. Vulnerability is intimidating and has been for me for some time now. I’ve already written a blog post, where I discuss the saying: what goes up must come down. I know that some people do not understand that saying sometimes when it comes to emotions and people. I know that in the face of struggling with this subject, I am not alone.
Let’s rediscuss that saying: what goes up must come down. You might be asking yourself, what does that even mean? You know, I’ve been aware of things that I’ve learned to cognitively do to prevent myself from experiencing what some might refer to as “ups and downs.” We all go through emotional ups and downs. We might find excitement at the start of a new relationship, a new job, and/or a new experience. However, most of us would never really think of a severely depressive episode to follow that excitement shortly down the road. How can you go from being on top of the tallest mountain in the world to being at the deepest part of the sea in just a blink of an eye?
I’ve seen the highest highs. I’ve seen life from the bright side. I have also seen life from the lowest lows as well. A huge struggle I have is keeping myself balanced. What that means is that I have cognitively conditioned myself not to get overly excited or happy about things in order to avoid the disappointment and/or sadness that inevitably comes to follow. I’ve really done everything in my power to keep myself grounded and I’ve really stood in my own way as a roadblock on my path to happiness.
When asking myself again how and how often do I give myself permission to enjoy life, the answer would probably fall into the category of not very often, if ever. I have put up emotional walls as a barrier to keep from getting too excited and to prevent from being too vulnerable. I am always living in fear that enjoying life too much will only lead me into a state of vulnerability. That vulnerability is terrifying because I become an easy target. Something I need to address within myself is to recognize that my biggest fear in my life is sinking back into the lowest-low I found myself in back in 2017. This fear has made me cognitively condition my mind to remain balanced, on one level of the playing field, not too happy, not too sad. If I don’t experience the “ups” I won’t experience the “downs” that could potentially follow. This deeply rooted fear has held me back from many opportunities and many things that could better myself and my life.
In order to feel “balanced,” you find yourself feeling “numb” most of the time. You have a difficult time getting attached to people or things because the fear of losing someone/something you care about takes over your thought process. You have a hard time connecting with the world around you. You become more observant and less engaged with the people who surround you. You look around and see other people taking chances and finding happiness and wonder if you’ll ever be able to be fully happy again. You equate the feeling of “being alive” to simply just existing without being overwhelmed by the extreme depression and sadness. I can tell you this state of mentality is not a bad place to be, but it is definitely not somewhere I enjoy being either.
When I do find someone and/or something that really can ignite the flame that is dimly burning from my soul, I often find myself questioning: is this feeling even real or is it just an illusion of my mind? I have become very scared of my own thoughts and feelings because I know how quickly they can take complete control of my mind. I cognitively do my best to keep a control on my thoughts, feelings and actions in my everyday life. It becomes very challenging and hard to keep up with sometimes, especially when something unpredictable happens. How crazy does it sound that I have to keep a control on the amount of happiness I will allow myself to feel at any given moment?
This fear of the ups and downs stem from the fact that while I might not have liked and/or agreed with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder in 2017, I do recognize some of the same similarities and patterns I have experienced throughout my life and I am currently experiencing even today that mirror that mental health disorder. I am able to look back and recognize the things I did when I was more on the “manic” side of things and how quickly and strong the “depressive” stage came on afterwards. I did (with supervision and consultation with my mental health medical professional) wean off of a mood stabilizer almost two years ago. It only made me feel very flat all of the time and I did not like that either. I did make myself a promise that I could and would cognitively keep my mood balanced without medication and I have done a rather good job of doing so, until life throws me a curve ball and it sends me into somewhat of a spiral. Being off mood-stabilizer medications does allow me to enjoy things a small amount, which is better than not enjoying things at all.
Something I have found while exploring my fear of experiencing those ups and downs is that I do not trust myself very much. I used to trust in myself that I will make the right decisions that are best for me at the end of the day, but some things that have happened in recent months have made me question if I even know what that is. I do not trust that if I do experience another fall from grace that I will be able to fully pick myself back up again. I know now more than before that I have more strength today than I did back in 2017. I’ve learned so much about who I am and about how I overcome pain and struggles throughout my life. Sometimes it does take me a minute to take a step back, get some air, and remind myself that the person I am today is much wiser, stronger, and more prepared than the person I was in 2017. I do give myself little reminders now and again and I think this is something I need to continue to work through.
I look back on the low points in my life and I am thankful for them today. It confuses me sometimes as to why I am so afraid of losing myself by experiencing or pursuing things in life that make me happy. When I look back and think of episodes that could be looked to be a state of “mania,” I get scared when a curveball gets thrown at me in my life because typically that was the trigger to send me into a more elated state. I recognize behaviors and patterns that I have in that state of mind and it gives me a deeper fear that history could repeat itself if I do not get a handle on my thought process. The ability I have to recognize these elated moods, risky behaviors, and repeating patterns is something I did not have in 2017 when I nearly went into a full-blown manic state of mind. My thoughts and feelings fully took control of me. It was like I had lost the ability to gain control of them and it only continued to get worse until I hit a dead end and began my rapid paced fall from what I believed was actual happiness.
Something I will continue working through is this figurative grip I have on my own mind. I feel like I cognitively keep my mind on a leash and anytime it strays from the path, even just a little, I find myself pulling back. I never allow myself to explore anything because I am too afraid of losing myself to these toxic thoughts and feelings. I believe that sharing this story and experience with others is a way of finding peace and accepting these flaws within myself and to let other people who struggle with this know that they are not alone. I am not the only person in the world who has these problems in their mind but I believe that it is important for me to find solutions and ways to work through it.
All I want in life is to be happy. Don’t we all? While we might find ourselves lost occasionally along the way, aren’t we all on this journey to discover the people, things, and/or experiences that truly make us feel alive while we are given this time on earth? One thing I need to do is to learn how to trust myself and my decisions. I need to allow myself to take risks, even if they are small, and stray from my figurative path and trust that if things do take a turn into a depressive state that I have the strength to overcome it. I think we all fear that depression will take over our lives once we have experienced and/or fought the battle against the dark monster that it can be. I need to continue to cognitively keep myself balanced, but not to the point that I stand in the way of bettering myself or pursuing my own happiness either. Each of us have become who we are because of our challenges we have faced. I have to have faith that things are meant to happen the way they are and to not let fear fully consume me in my everyday life. I need to recognize the difference in what is real and what is not and only pursue the things I believe are real. Lastly, I need to learn how to have faith in myself. I have made mistakes, things have not worked in my favor but at the end of the day, it always works out in some way. I need to loosen the grip I have on my mind and chase things that will help me grow as a person. Life is not always going to be easy. It is going to test your mental, physical, and emotional strength quite often. I have to have the faith in myself that I can handle the things that life will throw at me, I will grow from each experience and I will not allow the negative experiences to erase and/or hinder all of the progress that I’ve made and will continue to make. Thank you so much for reading, and I hope you have a blessed day.
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