“Even though there are days I wish I could change some things that happened in the past, there’s a reason the rear-view mirror is so small and the windshield is so big. Where you’re headed is much more important than what you’ve left behind.”

I recently purchased a journal-prompt like book called “The Year of You: 365 Journal Writing Prompts for Creative Self-Discovery” by Hannah Braime. Within the last week, I found my old journals I used to have to write in English class in middle school and high school. Some of what I read really brought me back to some of the feelings I had to work through as I was emotionally mature enough to understand all of the things I was feeling. I wish I would have journaled more outside of school because I would love to remember more of the things I was feeling, thinking, and how I processed those thoughts and emotions nearly over a decade ago. I felt that today’s journal prompt was perfect for the recent rediscovery of my old high school and middle school memories. The prompt states:

How have your past experiences prepared you for the life you’re living today?

Let me start by saying this as a full disclaimer: I am in no way going to talk about how my life or the experiences I endured were harder than others. I feel very grateful for my life that I lived and for my past experiences, the good and bad. A phrase I always tried to reinforce with myself was “someone else has it worse than you do right now.” Despite the hardships and challenges, I always thought I was fortunate. I do not want to write anything about past challenges to gain sympathy or for people to feel some sort of guilt for the things that they might have contributed to. I am just sharing my thoughts and inner dialogue. *Warning: this post is a long one*

The life I live today might not be the life I spent so much of my young life envisioning but it is the life I live. I have two choices: to live my life the way it is and make the best out of it, or to sit around miserably, while I wait for the universe to make changes. Obviously, I chose the latter option and I have had to make many cognitive changes in order to stop feeling disappointed or angry with myself for not fulfilling the dreams I imagined and worked so hard for.

Growing up, I felt very much alone. In a room surrounded by other people, I felt like I was always more in my own thoughts than in actual reality. At a young age, I felt very misunderstood, and there are days that I still do. I recently found and read through my middle school and high school journals and wonder, what the heck was going through my mind? I also realize now that there are many things that I wish I knew back then but then again, don’t we all?

Every single one of our past experiences shape us in some way, but there are some experiences that really shape us, if you get what I am saying. It’s hard to even be admitting this because it is something I’ve known for a long time: most of the negative life experiences I endured throughout my childhood and into my adolescent years stem from this deep-rooted desire to feel truly understood and to feel genuinely wanted and loved by those around me.

I grew up in a single parent household with my mom and my brother. My dad was still a part of my life, and really did push me towards obtainable goals in a good way. My mom and I didn’t always have a good relationship, it was one that was very toxic to say the least. We used to be totally opposite people, like fire and gasoline, we did not mix well together. I’d get angry at her for small things, she would do the same. As I got older, I started to ask myself; was I mad at my mom about something small that she said or did or was I deflecting my anger about something much bigger by using small excuses to release some of my nearly two decades worth of pent-up rage?

Why did I spend most of my young life feeling like I was some unfortunate accident that came along, and was responsible for making other people’s lives miserable? Why did I spend most of my young life feeling like something was wrong with me? Why did I spend most of my young life feeling that other people around me had a “normal” family structure and that I was ashamed of the family situation I was dealing with? Why did I spent most of my young life feeling so different from my classmates, friends, and even from my family?

It was hard to think that your mom was proud of you when she spent more time criticizing you and forcing you to fight impossible battles with others on your own. You know when you have that one person who you want to always back you up and be on your team in the face of a conflict with someone else? Nothing feels worse than when that person you want to be the most loyal turns their back on you and joins forces with the other teams involved. It wasn’t great before, but only got worse once my grandma, her mother, passed away. When she passed away, a part of me left too and I never felt like anyone around me gave me the proper support in order to grieve. Within less than three months after she passed, I was forced to move out of the only home I’d ever known to move in with my dad. I had to change schools and it really was hard to be pulled away from the only people who I felt like understood me which were my friends at school. It was also hard to leave my home, my room, and all that I had ever known. Don’t get me wrong, my dad is great and going to his house was always fun to go to but it was never home to me. I was also sad to leave my mom, even though things between us were not the best at that moment.

I do understand that my mom lost her mom and that had to be hard. I do understand now that having grievances with someone that go unsolved when they pass away can take a significant toll on someone. At 12 years old, I was not really able to comprehend these things. I could not mentally understand it. It was also very difficult for me to cope with because my grandma was the only person who understood me and gave me that sense of love that I felt I had been missing out on after she passed away. It also did not help that within 6 months before her passing, my oldest brother had passed away and my nephew had lost his life to suicide three months before I lost my grandma. I truly felt like I had to put my emptiness on the back burner for such a long time and handle all these losses on my own. I did have some great friends to lean on which I am forever thankful for. Let’s just say, 2007 was a terrible year and that’s putting it lightly.

I always felt like my mom felt forced to spend more time with me, but I guess part of it too was that I was not always a delight to be around. For some reason, I also think my deep-rooted issues also came from the fact that instead of spending holidays, moments, and time with me, it felt like she would try to buy me off with materialistic things and call it “love.” Money does not buy happiness or further your emotional intelligence and development as a child and adolescent in any sort of positive way.

In some ways, I felt like my mom was absent. Her body was present, but her soul was missing. She was more of a zombie or a robot, instead of a human with feelings. I am a person whose mood can really be based off those around me. It was hard to be an optimistic person without feeling hopeless when the only emotions you’re surrounded by are negative. To be honest, my dreams and goals really kept me going. Even though I never moved to NYC, I never went to law school, I did still accomplish things that I am proud of and I am not yet done. Whether I finally get that law degree, further my nursing education, become a parent, become a rich internet celebrity (stranger things have happened), I will go in the direction I feel is best for me. Having hope for the future and delaying gratification really make a huge difference. Feeling like a lot of my personality and accomplishments were pushed to the side by many of those around me, I felt this strong sense of self-motivation to prove those people who consistently doubted me wrong, and I absolutely did.

I also felt this deep sense of discovery I needed to do for myself. I did not want someone to tell me how to do everything, or how life worked. Yes, this was my stubborn personality trait coming out but I really wanted to try and figure things out on my own because I did not feel like the adults surrounding me were understanding my emotional needs at all. I also feel as if I reached a lot of developmental stages earlier than some, which made it hard to not feel like I was getting treated like I was incapable of understanding things. I get it, in order to be successful, you have to work hard, push yourself, delay gratification, remember that you get what you earn, give more to others than to take for yourself, live and learn from the good and bad, be kind to others and have humility, actions have consequences, and you are ultimately responsible for the choices you make. It was frustrating to feel very boxed in by a lot of people, especially adults of course. I think every child goes through this at some point in their life. I just felt like mine started oddly early. I also think that my built-up rage that I had bottled up inside from childhood, into my early 20s did not make matters any better.

Since I felt a lacking in love and understanding from my mom and that she would have rather slept every single evening and weekend away instead of spending time with me, my non-conscious mind searched for this love in other forms. This led to a series of relationship after relationship throughout high school, some worse than others, where I felt like it was my only opportunity to receive that love. This sounds so stupid but when I struggled to feel understood and loved and I finally found someone who seems to understand me, even just a little, I would get really attached, way too quickly. I won’t forget the attachment I had with my first “real” boyfriend. It also did not help that his family life and dynamic was far from perfect, which gave me this sense that I was not alone. He understood me, he accepted me, and he liked me for the quirky, PUMA tennis shoes wearing, pop music listening, aspiring dancer/lawyer/anything that would lead me to live in a city, type of self.

By seeking out this missing sense of being loved from my relationships, I found myself extremely disappointed, hurt, and feeling very worthless. I felt like I went through many phases where I would ask myself a lot of negative questions. Was it me? Was I really that hard to love? Was I really that bad? Was I defective? Would the world be better off without me? Luckily, as I have grown up, matured, and have discovered a sense of self-love, I realize that I wasn’t defective. I just chose a lot of lousy boys to date. (Only kidding, all of my past ex-significant others are all great men, and I only hope to see them all live very happy and fulfilling lives). I also look back and realize that searching endlessly to be loved, wanted, and understood will only lead you down a lonely dark road because in the end, you have to find that love you feel that you are missing within yourself.

In conclusion, to answer the question: How have your past experiences prepared you for the life I’m living today? All of my experiences that I have been through made me who I am today. I’ve learned how to let go of so much of my anger. I’ve learned how to forgive and how to look forward instead of dwelling in the past. I’ve grown closer to my mom now, as I understand more that it was never that she did not love me, but that she had her own internal struggles going on simultaneously. I’m happy that today her and I are very close. I am not angry with her. There are things I wish could be different but I think if that were the case, the life I live today would look much different. I am also very self-motivated, and I push myself very hard because I am unwilling to settle for mediocrity.  

Writing this out is not a way to punish my mom or to make her feel guilt because in no way is that what I want. I also think it is unfair to think that I only blamed my mom for the things that happened to me when I was born with two parents present in my life. I only held one person accountable for things and I also feel terrible for that too. I do know that my mom is wonderful, despite the ups and downs we both had throughout my life. I don’t think I would feel as close to her mentally and emotionally as I do now if we had a perfect relationship. I also don’t think I’d be a person who wants to help people understand themselves, and to help others emotionally and physically heal their wounds if I never had these experiences. I learned a lot about resilience, and determination through the process. This is the life I live; this is the path that was set forth for me. These were some of the roadblocks that were put in my path, and I made the choice to go around them. I won’t let my past define me, I won’t let my pain, anger, or loss consume me, and I won’t let my emotions control me.

To my mom who I know has read this, just know I love you always and I am forever grateful for you and to have someone who has shown me support through my darkest days as I’ve navigated this journey into adulthood. Thank you for not pushing your idea of what my life should look like. Thank you for supporting me in my poor decisions, my weak moments, my indecisiveness, and thank you for making me into the person I am today. I would not ever want anyone else as my mom because I truly look back and feel very blessed and thankful. We make mistakes and we’ve both made our fair share, but I am glad that in the end, we could overcome them and our relationship as mother and daughter is exactly how I want it to be. I do now know that you have always cherished me as your daughter and have always loved me, even if I couldn’t see it as clearly as I wish I could have back then. I am grateful for you and for the life I am blessed to live today.

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