A Blast from the Past
Out of the blue tonight, I decided to get back into my old Tumblr account from when I was back in high school. I would like to say I am shocked at the things I found, but I would definitely be lying. The posts I found just remind me of the silly spirited soul I used to be back in those days. I definitely had some laughs while reading the posts about “haters” and my deep desiring love for some high school boy I was obsessed with at the time. I also had some moments while I was reading that I felt proud of that girl, typing away her problems and thoughts on her blog. There are a lot of things that still resonate with me today, 8-10 years down the road. Some things I read really made me think long and hard about how that young, curious girl might be feeling. There are some posts I come across and ask myself some questions, such as why didn’t anyone take away my computer and/or phone? Why did people actually follow this thing? Was I really that weird?
“I am seriously sick of people thinking they know me. I hate how every day, they look at me and judge. I am either a whore because I hang out with the guys, or I am ugly because I don’t wear makeup. That is all on the outside. On the inside, I am broken. I don’t know how why I never get help. I learned a few years ago to handle things by myself because no one knows how to stand next to me. I am lost. I wish I could look through the past and find myself but I forced myself to try and forget the hardships. I am just a kid. I am only 17 years old, and a junior in high school.” I edited this paragraph a bit, for grammatical purposes but this is something I found that I had written on my old Tumblr site. I felt this in my heart. I remember feeling shamed and judged. There was a time when I had a little fling with a guy back in high school. I did not reciprocate the same feelings and he got very bent out of shape. He said mean, terrible things to me and I just was amazed at the words that came out of his mouth. I remember fighting back against his evil ways, which now I look back and I know I should have walked away. I was a very head-strong person for such a long time. I was not about to back down from a fight with a guy over his insecurities. As you can see, being headstrong was a nice front I was able to put on. I felt broken inside. I was filled with insecurities that I tried to hide from the world. The point is, people may appear fine on the outside but on the inside there could be a vicious storm, moving through at a slow pace.
Some other quotes I found that I had written on there-
“One day, I will stop looking for the wrong things. I will stop looking so far into the future, and love only in my present. When one book closes, you always will find a way to open a new one. I refuse to let someone ruin everything I’ve built myself up to be.”
“I think to be honest what bothers me the most is trying so hard to be someone I will never be. I hate how I want to be this epitome of perfection, but in all actuality, perfection does not exist.”
Finding pieces of myself from the days that I felt empty give me so much strength. This is why I started this blog. I like to learn new things, and I tend to whole-heartedly explore things to their deepest level. I think to myself, if I can explore something scientifically to a deeper level, I will try to explore my inner mind on a deeper level to be able to learn more about myself. This blog has significantly helped me open up my own emotions and organize some of my thoughts out in the open. It is definitely been a weird experience for me, especially since I can be very private about my inner thoughts and insecurities. Opening up on this platform has allowed me to build relationships with other people that I did not know were capable of being built. It has allowed me to analyze my perspectives, and discover that not very many people are shallow. Most of the people I am surrounded by are actually very deep, intellectual people. I discovered that we all swim at a different depth. I have been trying to shy away from the habit of pre-judging someone, and their depth in which I might think they swim.
I have been at weak points in my life, some I plan to discuss in further detail in a future post. I have seen myself from the very bottom of the self-confidence level. I have built myself from the ground up to be the person I desire to be each day. I want to be kind, open-minded, caring, compassionate, and vulnerable. I am still working on the whole “vulnerable” thing. I am not yet a professional at fully trusting people yet. This is the life I live. I have a job that pays the bills, I have days that I tend to waste away in my thoughts or playing Mario-Kart on my phone. I’ve got different dreams and aspirations than I did a year ago. My dreams have definitely changed since I was this young, 17 year old girl. I don’t regret not following my dreams because in all honesty, I truly believe that I would not be happy living in the city. I am too introverted for all of that. I like peace and quiet. As I am exploring the depths of my inner mind, I am learning how to be happy with the things that life has offered me. I tend to live in the present, to shy away from worrying too much about the future. The future can’t be planned, things change, people change. I want to have a future that I am not fully planning for. I want things to just happen how they are supposed to happen and go with the flow.
Well, it is getting late and I feel like I have rambled on about random stuff for several paragraphs. I think finding these old posts on my Tumblr really helped me come back to my reality. I want to be someone that my 15 year old self would be proud of. I know I have hit a few roadblocks along the way to get here, but I am at my best self at this moment. To truly discover who you are, find a release. Ask yourself those questions we avoid asking. Dive deep into the depths of your mind. Test yourself, find the things that you are most passionate about and go with that. I have learned that life can be mysterious, unpredictable, and sometimes messy but your soul was built to weather the strong storms that may come. Thanks for reading, and have a blessed day.
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