Who Am I When I Am Alone?
“She was finally okay, or at least she believed. She had no idea where she was going, but she sure knows where she’s been and anywhere was better than that.” -J.M. Storm
Well hello there readers! It’s been a minute since I’ve written. (I swear, I begin all of my blogs with this statement). However, I did finally find my card deck called “Empowering Questions” as I was cleaning out my bedside nightstand. I have been looking for them everywhere. I do often struggle to write about self-discovery, and I have been very vocal about that. Digging deep and trying to make my own thoughts and emotions relate to my readers and to others can be challenging. I also feel like I struggle to find the right answers for myself, let alone give any advice or answers to anyone else. Apparently, there is no better time than the present I suppose, so here I am, writing a blog post finally!
I pulled a card out of my deck of questions, and it asks: “Who am I when I’m alone?” I found this to be appropriate to write about, partially because I am in this process of working to find myself and to provide myself with the acceptance and validation I need to feel whole. It’s been hard to say the least. I’m learning the hard way that I’ve searched for acceptance and validation in all of the wrong places.
I’m an introvert, not only do I require time to recharge, I also do enjoy my own company a lot. I love to laugh, giggle, and sometimes even laugh at my own jokes. There is this “no pressure” feeling when I am alone. I can just be…me. I don’t have anything to prove to anyone. I don’t have to guard my soul from feeling too many emotions or the judgement from other people. I enjoy being alone in my thoughts and in my own world. I love to enjoy nature alone, take silly photos, listen to music, and make memories just…by myself.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to surround yourself with people sometimes. This depends on the people, the vibes, and the energy that is being presented. In the times I do require human interaction, I have the bad tendency to surround myself with people who I honestly am not even happy to be around. I end up feeling like a zombie, faking my way through conversations stuffed full of nonsense I could give a crap less about. This only pertains to those types of people who I feel drain my energy, or cast judgement on me. I’ve been told I’m “too deep”, so I really just guard my thoughts and my heart and become hesitant to share what I feel or think. I bet I am not the only one to feel this way, but it’s absolutely exhausting to pretend to be happy in places in which I am miserable.
When I am alone, I spend a lot of my time laughing at the random, quirky things I find funny. If am around kind, light-hearted, and non-judgmental people, I can laugh in the same way. Alone, I can giggle about my quirks, my bad rap skills, goofy memes, taking silly photos with my high noons and my tripod, my inability to win at much of anything competitive in general, all types of music, and about life in general. There are times in which I can laugh at some of the same and sometimes more of these things with people I am comfortable around. It’s almost as if that unapologetic version of myself when I am alone is demonstrated in an environment in which I feel safe. I do very much laugh at myself, and at the silly, stubborn, and sometimes off the wall types of things I do.
When I am alone, I like to feel all of the feels. If I am sad, I want to feel sad. After a day at work with patients who have impacted my day or heck, sometimes even my life, I want to feel grateful. I want to express my appreciation sometimes to those who I feel I am so grateful for. When I am alone, I find that I have a stronger relationship with God and a more solid footing in my faith. I spend a great amount of time of my commute to and from my job giving thanks to God for all that I am so blessed with. I don’t want to hide my moments of gratitude. I don’t want to hold back if I need to cry tears of sadness and/or tears of joy. I am deep. My soul feels very deep. My heart is sensitive. I am so sick of apologizing for this part of me, because it makes me who I am! I love to share these parts of myself sometimes, however, I am becoming more aware of who I feel safe to share these parts of me with.
When I am alone, I feel as if I am forced to be more independent. Spending time alone is healthy for me, regardless of how I spend that time. I am forced to not rely on someone else to protect me, to help me, and/or give me validation I am seeking. I am realizing the person who has to do these things for me is none other than myself. I have to be able to stand on my own two feet and it is something I am working on.
When I am alone, I can become…anxious. I have always found myself to be very anxious-avoidant in my attachment styles and I focus my worth more on what a relationship or friendship provide for me instead of what I personally provide for myself. I truthfully have never been fully on my own. I know this does cause me issues in some aspects of my life, friendships and relationships simply because I crave freedom and independence, meanwhile also respecting my romantic partner and my friends. I have to find a balance in it all and that is something I am working to find each day as well.
When I am alone, I feel more…confident. My first thought I had as I read back that last sentence I typed was ”that seems…a bit…ironic?” But, realistically, the only person I have to judge me when I am alone is…me. I like to do my hair and makeup and pick out an outfit that I like even if I am planning to sit at home and do absolutely nothing for the night. I also enjoy listening to music and dancing around as I am getting ready, so that could play a role into this aspect as well. I just enjoy being in my own world if you want the truth. I love long baths and showers, long drives, walks in nature, and basically I love being anywhere that I feel my energy is being preserved and protected.
Yes, there are days in which I want to be alone, but I also want to be around people. I want to enjoy the happiness and company of others on my own terms which sometimes does indeed come across as selfish. It’s hard for people to understand the way my brain works, in fact, it’s hard for me to understand it myself. I don’t fully understand why I feel mentally or socially overwhelmed and exhausted on some days more than others. I can read and research and understand the logic of it all, but knowing the logic and experiencing it in real life definitely are not always the same. I do a lot of reading and researching and trying to understand myself better which in retrospect has helped me understand other people better as well.
What I am slowly realizing through my self-discovery journey is that the person I am when I am alone is the person I want to also be when I am around other people. I want to be unapologetically myself for a change. This will require me to evaluate the people I surround myself with, whether it be friendships, relationships, and in my day to day life. This aspect of growth is challenging for me, and I am still in the process of figuring it all out. I do believe though that organizing and expressing these ideas and thoughts will help me navigate through this part of my journey and I hope my readers who are facing a similar roadblock can do the same.
Thank you for reading, and I hope you have a blessed day!
