To Learn Life's Lessons The Hard Way

“Tell me and I’ll forget. Show me and I may remember. Involve me and I learn.” 

-Chinese Proverb

I often sit alone and wonder about the reasoning behind why I seem to make so many mistakes so often. Of course, there are those times in the present in which I know I am making a mistake, and I don’t always recognize it in the moment. To be honest, there are even times I question my intentions of every one of my choices I make to begin with.

I recently found a journal I bought a long while ago called “A Journey Within.” (If you click the name of this journal, it will take you directly to a link for you to see and access this great resource for yourself!)  This journal asks a lot of introspective questions to help you get to know yourself better. I decided to open the journal and write about the question asked on the random page it gave me. The question asks: “How do you learn best? Who or what has been your greatest teacher in your life so far?”

I do feel like sometimes I find questions whether it be in my Empowering Questions card deck, journals, books, etc., that really fit to the challenges that I am experiencing as I navigate through life. I’ve done a lot of questioning recently to myself regarding my mistakes. Why do I make the same mistakes over and over again? What will it take to get me to change my behavior? My patterns? My mindset? Why do I do some of the things I do? What does it say about me as a person?

I will say I do have a couple of ways in which I learn the best. The first way I feel as if I learn and can remember things is to live through them myself. I have to experience it on my own, to feel the emotions throughout the situation, the way my body responds to what is going on around me, I feel as if I remember things better this way. The problem with learning things in this way is that I have to experience the same things over and over again.

Life is all about perspective. I find that I pick apart each and every moment or choice I make, especially ones I question if they are good or bad choices. Unfortunately, I do make the same mistakes time and time again. I think about how my present life could have altered my feelings in that situation and/or experience, so I repeat this process over and over again. Yes, obviously there are a lot of times in which I know I am not making wise choices.  Sometimes, I realize how much I take for granted that I’ve never been in a dangerous situations, although I’ve definitely come very close. 

I like to fly close to the sun. I like the thrill of things. It’s almost like the thrill or the rush of things overtake the logical side of my brain. I think I’ve come to conclusion that I like the immediate gratification. The problem with this is that while I remember my mistakes, I am never learning from them. I make reckless choices quite often, despite the consequences, because in the moment, I’m not thinking of the consequences. So, what will teach me the lessons I need to learn in life if I can’t learn them by experiencing them and changing them?

The problem I am struggling with when it comes to not being able to learn from my mistakes is that I really am such a self-aware person. I am aware that my choices I make could impact other people, or that they could impact myself in a negative way, yet I follow-through with said choices and clearly give no care to the consequences. It’s frustrating. It’s hard to apologize for the choices I make because I’ve gotten to the point in which I question the sincerity of my apology. Am I sorry for how my actions affected that person? Am I sorry I got caught and now it's impacting me in a negative way? To be truthful, a lot of time I actually feel sorry for being the person who cares more about myself than I do about the people around me.

As the days go on and I get older, I often feel hopeful that the answers and the solutions will all present themselves. So far, I am learning that this just isn’t how it works. Do I make the same mistakes and poor choices in order to feel something? For a person who feels things so deep, I suppress my emotions and feelings a lot. My therapeutic cries are  few and far between anymore and only tend to happen once I’ve had a few alcoholic drinks. I feel numb to life most of the time. I have become a pessimist, a person who is afraid of actually chasing after the things I want because the truth is, I have no idea what I want.

I’m not saying that feeling sad within yourself is an excuse to make poor choices that could and actually do impact other people. I’ve found that my selfish side of my personality comes out much more when I feel unsatisfied in my life. Maybe I need to invest more of my time into learning and discovering what will actually give me a feeling of contentment in my life. I believe I am a teacher for myself, but I know I have to eventually accept defeat and know that seeking out professional advice and help is not something to be ashamed of. I promise I will get around to that one day, I just put it off like I do everything else and I know that is a problem I must deal with.

So now that my ADHD brain has ran so far off track, what is the answer I have for the question I asked at the beginning: “How do you learn best? Who or what has been your greatest teacher in your life so far?” I think that’s just it. I don’t have a full answer to the question. But asking myself more in depth questions about why I make the same mistakes repeatedly and never learn from them has prompted me to asking deeper questions into myself. I learn as I go. For me, the greatest teacher in life is experience. I know I have to take my experiences and channel them into lessons learned instead of lessons repeated.

I saw this quote on Pinterest today by John C. Maxwell that said “You must be big enough to admit your mistakes, smart enough to learn from them, and strong enough to correct them.” Maybe that is just it. I can admit my mistakes very easily. I own my flaws, my poor choices, and the things that I feel very inadequate about. I know I am smart, but it's the lack of application of my knowledge. I have the knowledge, but why can I not apply it? Why do I give into my emotional needs before I consider the consequences. I guess it’s something I have to take the time  It’s hard to do when your brain pathways feel formed and you’re fighting against your own urges. I guess all I can do is take things a day at a time and work for it. Eventually, I have to get sick of my own bullshit and change the things I know I need to change.

Thank you for reading and have a blessed day.