Have you ever had a plan or a goal for your life and it turns out that your life turned out to be the exact opposite? I feel like so many people can relate to this and it sometimes can make a person feel like they were not capable of reaching that goal or dream. As kids, we are told that we can amount to anything. We have to set our minds to something and we can get there. We are never taught to prepare for changes and for us to grow as people. Sometimes, the life we planned out ends up being a life we wouldn’t want when we get older. Plans change, people change, times change. For those who are out there following their dreams they had as children and young adults, congratulations! You have accomplished something great and it is something to be very proud of. To those who are sitting here reading this, to those whose dreams did not all plan out as you intended, this is for you. I want to share my own story, how I overcame it, and how I look at life differently and I encourage you to do the same.

As a young, very strong-willed, independent little girl, I knew I wanted to grow up to be a lawyer. I had dreams of moving to a big city, starting with Chicago, going to college there, then moving to New York City to achieve my goals. I wanted to live in a studio apartment, by myself, and focus on my career. I know for a fact that I knew one career I was never going to do, nursing. My mom is a nurse, and I remember feeling like she did not approve of my life goals and aspirations. I would fight with her and say “you’re just mad that I do not want to be a nurse like you.” (Jokes on me, yes I know) I also felt very conflicted in what I was going to do for the rest of my life. How can a 16-18 year old kid decide what their entire life plan is going to look like? Exactly, they cannot. I knew I wanted to be a lawyer, but I also did not want to go to college for 10 years, and pay the amount of debt that a house in Hamilton County, Indiana would cost. I also got in my head about things as well. I would ask myself questions like, “What if I was not capable of getting into school? What if I was not good at it? What if I failed out of the program?” 

One thing is for certain, as a young little girl, and teenager, I never had any intentions of getting married, having a family or any of that stuff. I am not surprised that I never wanted to get married or be a mom either, partially because I thought those things would get in my way of achieving my goals. I grew up with a single mother who put a lot of her own wants and needs second for her children, and taught me the value of being a strong, independent woman. I feel blessed that I grew up in a household with a single parent because it taught me that in the end, the only person you can depend on is yourself. 

I like this metaphor, think about it, everyone has one bucket, which represents your basic needs, happiness, feeling of fulfillment, etc. We all need different amounts of things in our buckets because we all need different amounts of things to feel fulfilled. Ultimately, it is your responsibility to fill that bucket. Do not expect others to fill your bucket, because you will wind up disappointed. I think we have all been through situations that really have emotionally drained us in our lives, and it has made us come back stronger. Moral of the story, fill your own damn bucket. Do not put your own basic needs of fulfillment in the hands of someone else. Allow others and positive experiences to add extra to your bucket and you will always feel fulfilled. 

Anyway, so I graduated high school, and did not go to college in Chicago. I went to Ball State University, and I was a little disappointed in myself because I felt like I was settling and letting my fear of going far away from home stop me from achieving my goals. I always hold myself to an elite standard, and anything less than great is just mediocre. (I also do not recommend being a crazy critic of yourself, because you will never feel like what you do in life is ever enough.) I was going to major in criminal justice and political science. Those intro classes were okay, but I just could not get as into it as I wanted to. I had to take a health class, so I took a health science class with my roommate. Our class was all the way across campus, in the spring semester. I think it is important to mention that the months of January, February, and sometimes March in Indiana are cold. We skipped class a lot, because who wants to go clear across campus in -10 degrees? That’s right, no one. In preparation for my exams, I would sit in my room and read the chapters in the book. I did not take notes, I would just read. I always did well on my exams, and I thought some of the medical things were interesting. The body is such a cool thing, it is all connected somehow in different ways. Think about this, if you have impaired kidney function, your body can not eliminate fluid like it needs to. That fluid has to go somewhere, so you can get swelling in your legs, fluid in your lungs, or it can also go to other locations as well. That excess fluid can cause difficulty breathing, pain, high blood pressure, as well as other things. It amazed me how one thing can have a domino effect on everything else. So, that fall, I changed my major to health science. Yes, I know you’re probably thinking, what would you do with that degree? Good question to those who might be asking, heck I didn’t really know either. I took Anatomy at Ball State which was completely terrible, so I was over it. 

 I applied to Ivy Tech Community College that fall, because I thought it might be better for me to be in smaller classes. I thought I would go for dental hygiene or nursing. Neither one of these that interesting to me but I felt like I needed a degree that I could get a job so those seemed good at the time. I ultimately decided on nursing. I took some prerequisites in the spring and summer at Ivy Tech and I got accepted into the LPN program that following fall, in which I was hesitant to even start. I did terrible in my courses, I really struggled a lot trying to understand. I felt like this was not the career for me, I did not feel like I would ever understand the material.I went through a pretty rough mental break halfway throughout the program, and I did not even recognize myself and my actions. I spent so much time drinking instead of studying, I failed a course in the spring. It put me back a semester, so once I finally graduated, I put off taking my boards for three months. I studied and studied and could not get the material. I should also mention that I had a severe second mental break between November 2016-May 2017, in which I plan to talk about in another post because not only did it really break me down to bare nothing, it also made me into the person I am today. I was diagnosed with ADHD around the time, after being given an incorrect Bipolar disorder diagnosis, and was finally put on the proper medication to help me. I passed my boards, and got my first LPN job at a nursing home. I was not  wearing a fancy, expensive suit to work everyday. I was not living in NYC. I was living at home, at the age of 23, working at a nursing home close to my hometown. I was mad at myself, feeling like I took the easy way out. 

Once I got to know the residents, I knew in my heart, this career is exactly where I needed to be. I may not have been fighting on the stands in court as a prosecutor or defense attorney, but I was advocating to ensure that each resident got the things they needed when they could not advocate for themselves. I got to promote their dignity, and fought for them to have their own rights and to be able to make decisions for themselves. I feel like as a nurse, I have really learned to value dignity. People deserve dignity and respect, regardless of the situations they are in. I went back to get my RN not too long after starting my LPN job, and now I work at a hospital as a registered nurse, one class shy of having my Bachelor’s degree in Nursing. I have learned so many things in my short time as a nurse and I feel very optimistic about the things I will learn in the future. There are days that I feel like I am not good enough, or that I am not achieving the goals I set for myself. To some, a Bachelor’s degree and having RN next to their name was their dream but it was not mine. At times, I feel like I was shooting for the stars and landed on the moon. I mean that with no disrespect for anyone with life goals and aspirations, because something I learned was that any achievement needs to be recognized as important. If your goal is to be a mother, and you have children, then you accomplished a dream. I think every dream and goal needs to be taken like a grain of salt. Plans change, people change, dreams change. Life happens, and we have to roll with the punches sometimes. Just because I never moved out of Indiana does not mean I failed, it means that I adapted to things in life and I think it is important to make sure everyone recognizes that. 

I have no doubt that this life is the life that was planned for me. I have to pep talk myself at times, and say that I am doing well and that I need to stop being so hard on myself. Being the person I am today, I would hate New York. I am a homebody who is so anti-social and enjoys peace and quiet. The traffic would have drove me nuts, and I think I would have been so unhappy. I think at times I will always have the “what if?” questions, but we could ask that question all the time and it would get us nowhere. I have learned compassion, gratefulness, respect, kindness, empathy, and how to genuinely care about others unlike a way I ever have. I always wanted to change the world, but changing the world does not always have to be in a big way. You can change lives, you can change people, you can change yourself. 

The moral of this story is to show all of those who feel disappointed in themselves for not getting into a program they wanted to get into, not getting into the school of their choice, not getting the job they always wanted, that everything does happen for a reason. Take advantage of the rejection and take the time to better yourself. If you look at everything negatively, you will eventually give up and not put forth all of your efforts to achieve your goals. You have to look at rejection as an opportunity. Instead of saying “what if I don’t get in? I don’t know what else to do!” Say “well, if I do not get in, I will take this time to do XYZ..and try again or try something else.” 

I still have a lot in my mind about my life, and myself in general. No, I am not at the optimal amount of happiness that I want to be in my life, but I am getting there. I feel like I settle at times, and truthfully, I do. Sometimes we have to settle because we are not emotionally there yet to move forward or to aim higher. You will get to where you want to be, and maybe being content in life is what you need right now. Life will beat you down for sure, and you have to pick yourself up, so don’t forget to recognize yourself for doing that. I’d love to hear from others, and how their lives did not go as planned, but they are embracing where they are. 

I hope my story can help those who feel stuck, lost, and critical of themselves. Don’t be hard on yourself, everything happens for a reason. What that reason is, who knows. You will find out eventually. Keep your head up. You will get to be exactly where you belong, who cares what age or what time, as long as you get there. So, the moral of the story is that when life gives you lemons, use our good friend google to find some alcoholic drink recipes, mix some drinks, and cheers to your success!

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