What Goes Up Must Come Down

“Even now, as broken as you may feel, you are still so strong. There’s something to be said for how you hold yourself together and keep moving, even though you feel like shattering. Don’t stop. This is your healing. It doesn’t have to be pretty or graceful. You just have to keep going.” -Maxwell Diawuoh

If you have ever reached a severely low point in your life, a point when you truly felt like your life was falling apart and all hope was lost, this post is for you. I personally have experienced this at some points in my life, some worse than others. I have been so broken, so empty, and left with nothing in my soul before that I was unsure if I would make it out alive. The next question in my Empowering Questions card deck really prompted me to write this post about the  single most important point in my life where I lost every ounce of myself, only to build myself back up into a much stronger version of me.  

What have been the most defining moments that have helped shape my life?

There are many moments in my life that have helped shape my life. I would probably have too many to fit into one post. I want to take this opportunity to share one of my worst battles of depression I have faced and how I overcame that monster to reshape my life. Disclaimer: this is a judgement free zone. I’m going to share some things I have only shared with a couple of close people. Some things I did in my past were not always the most morally correct and I would never do these things in my present day life. However, they are a part of this crazy, very different, life-defining story.

Let’s set the scene first. It was the spring of 2016. I had just recently got out of a relationship with someone I had been with for a couple of years.  He was a good person, just not my person. I was really in need of some soul searching back then. I was in nursing school at the time. I had recently started getting this extra bit of confidence due to the new attention I’d been receiving from people who would never had looked in my direction before. I will say, I might have gotten a little cocky and conceited at the time, forgetting about other people’s feelings in order to give attention to my own. I got to know alcohol a little too well, more nights spent out doing things that today I still look back on and think WTF was I thinking? I don’t regret it because it would not have taught me so many valuable lessons that I still live by today. I gave attention to the wrong people, did things against my moral compass, and spent a ridiculous amount of money that I really didn’t have to be spending. All of these bad decisions led me to fail a nursing course that spring, putting me behind an additional semester. I wasn’t mad or upset, I had accepted it and had to take responsibility for not making school a priority. I really didn’t have priorities at this point. I was just a mess. I was living on this fake high and inflated ego that eventually would all come crashing down. They say what goes up, must eventually come down.

For those of you who have ever had a point in your life where you hurt others either by cheating, or by becoming extremely arrogant and self-absorbed, I feel you. I’ve been there. They are not my proudest moments, but they are ones I have to live with.

This journey really begins with the guy I was in a relationship with for a couple of years prior to us breaking things off in the spring of 2016.  I should have broken things off when I lost feelings and realized he was not someone I could see a future with. Instead, I strung him along and kept him on the back burner, all while covering up lie after lie about other guys I had been having encounters with. One particular situation to show what kind of person I was at the time is about a guy that I had been really interested in for a while. He showed me attention and fed me all kinds of crap that I was too naïve to avoid. He was good at using his words and my emotions to get what he really wanted. I look back and wonder why I believed him, probably because I see the good in everyone which I need to probably stop doing. Of course this other guy ended up hurting me, and the monster that I am cried to my boyfriend at the time about this other dude, not fully telling him the whole truth of why/how he hurt me. Was I supposed to be like “yeah, I’ve been talking to this other guy and he lied about this and that and here I am, with all of these feelings for him who clearly used me and could care less how I feel about it?” Nope, instead I twisted the truth around and looked to him for comfort when I was upset. Like, WHO DOES THAT? To this day, I feel like a sick monster for using someone at my disposal and not giving him the respect that he deserved. We don’t speak now and truthfully I cannot blame him.  With all of that said, I really do wish him the best in his life, and I hope he has found the happiness he truly deserves.

You might be thinking, what does this have to do with my battle with depression? I know it sounds like I deserved any and all of the sadness that would come my way. I believe in karma, meaning you get what you give. After this relationship ended, I went a little crazy. I felt somewhat relieved to be free to do whatever I wanted without having to answer to someone else, and not having to lie and sneak around all of the time. I have always been a free spirit. I don’t like being tied down because it makes me feel suffocated. I started casually seeing someone else who ended up not being my person either. It was nothing too deep, but it did leave me feeling kind of vulnerable. I felt like I was missing someone who I could open up my soul to, without fear of judgement or criticism. I have always been a different type of soul, I’ve struggled with fitting in with groups of people by being my organic, authentic self. I spent so much of my life trying to fit in that I lost a huge sense of myself. I depended on others for my happiness, looking to fill a void that I had within myself.

Throughout this whole mess, I met a  nice, young guy who poured his heart and soul out to me about his problems with girls, relationships, and fitting in. He was a little weird, somewhat obsessive, but quite a nice kid. At this point, I was 21 and he was 17. He was a kid to me. I found it nice that he trusted me to talk about things he didn’t really share with a lot of people. One random night, I was at home in bed after having a bit too much to drink. I got a text message from this kid, pouring his soul out to me about his feelings for me. At first, I kind of laughed it off. I had no feelings for him, like what was he thinking? I didn’t want to be mean to him, or hurt his feelings so I kind of danced around the entire point: there was no chance. I found it refreshing that someone young could come to me and look to me as someone they could trust and feel comfortable sharing things with. I was struggling to find that value in myself, because at that point I thought all I had to offer to anyone were superficial things. I lost my sense of depth and I had truly lost myself to my core. I couldn’t help but think, this kid has seen me at my absolute worst, who in their right mind would like me after seeing me like that?

Instead of being completely up front with this person, I did the complete opposite. I mean, what was the harm? He had this innocent part about him that I thought was interesting. He saw me when I was scrambling to get to work because I stayed at someone’s house the night before. I came to work looking like a mess, in yesterday’s clothes, hair half-up in a hair tie from sleeping, in the bathroom trying to put on my work clothes last minute. (We worked together at the time, and we worked together almost every weekend). I shared with him almost all of the worst of the things I had been doing at the time, I honestly assumed he knew what he would have been getting himself into. That was my mistake for assuming because he didn’t really know what he was getting into. I didn’t pick up on the way my actions could hurt others. I strung this person along because I liked the attention from someone who knew the real, raw me but I also didn’t want to be in a relationship with this person. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. It was more like playing a game, there was that thrill of doing something I probably shouldn’t be doing, but it was fun.

After a few months of putting up with this game, this person finally told me to beat it. Also, can’t blame him. I think I had that initial shock of, oh crap, this person who had wanted to be with me for so long before, even during the craziest parts of it all, is cutting me off really sent me into a frenzy. I should have honestly let him go and live his life, but instead I was selfish, apologized, and tried to right my wrongs. I needed to find myself and not use someone in the process but I was not thinking like that at the time. This person was the first person I felt comfortable with in a long time because no matter what I did, he still was blinded by all of my bullshit. (Excuse my language, but it is the truth).

He was just mentally checked out and drained. I was mentally on the edge at the time. All of this high life I once lived was finally coming to an end, it was time to face the music. I have a lot to give, and I will love you to the ends of the Earth until I feel like you don’t deserve it. I tried everything to win this person back on my side. He looked at me different. He didn’t see me the way he used to. He didn’t build up my big, arrogant head anymore. He just really didn’t seem to care. If you’ve ever had someone you’re with that mentally checks out, there comes this weird force of desperate nature to try to beg for someone to love you back. When you’re weak, you can do desperate things. I was desperate, I knew I was hard to love. I also knew that I had just turned a good, caring, sees the bright side of things type of person into a cold, unhappy zombie-like creature. I literally tried to give him everything I had left, which left me with absolutely nothing for myself.  I also just felt empty because I started questioning all of my life’s decisions and wondering why I was struggling to find what I wanted for my life. I was coming to terms that I let my dreams go and that the dreams that were once clear were now unreachable. I was very insecure about myself and my worth. I lost touch with some of my friends who were with me during the high times due to our lives going in separate directions which also made me feel really alone. There were some really amazing people who tried to help me through this but I really became reluctant to open up about it.  I was humiliated, embarrassed, feeling so desperate and stupid. I mean, if someone who truly felt lucky that you gave him the time of the day, someone who thought he was not ever going to get a chance with you, someone who dreamed of being with you for so long didn’t even want you anymore, who would?

I tried so hard to be that person for him, to show him that I was truly sorry and regretted my actions. I tried to show him how much I valued and cared for him. I think because I had just really threw him through the ringer, he just was so checked out. I do still place blame on him though too, because I even though I may not have been fully transparent with him, I made sure that he knew the kind of mess he was getting into with me. He was aware of the type of person I was before he ever admitted to having feelings for me.  I do take 99.999% of the blame for hurting him over the course of a few months by leading him on and using him at my disposal. I should not have tried to have my cake and eat it too. It does sound like a pattern, I know. I was just so lost at the time, I forgot how to take other’s feelings in account as well as my own.

His lack of care for me and my lack of value in myself caused me to lose every sense of self I once had. I was at a crossroads in my life with myself and I felt like I was standing in a cold, dark place in the middle of nowhere with several roads to choose from and no map to guide me. I was so lost. I ended up going to the doctor for some pharmacological relief which only made things worse. It prompted me to go to therapy, only to be incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Side note: Yes, I might still have bipolar traits but I was eventually correctly diagnosed with ADHD and medicated properly. Getting the correct relief for the problem has also changed my life, but that’s a story for another day.

After receiving that I probably suffered from BPD, I was started on some medication, in which really gave me a lot of confidence problems. I felt like I should have been strong enough to handle this without needing medications. (I know now that is not the case. Don’t ever let someone make you feel weak for taking the proper medication for the proper diagnosis. Someone with hypertension might need to take blood pressure medications, that is just how it works.) At this time, I felt so weak, insecure, and dependent. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I lost 30-some pounds within a matter of a couple of months. My face was so thin, my ribs were showing, my clothes no longer fit. Rumors spread around the town I lived in that I was on drugs because of my rapid weight loss. My family even questioned me if I was on drugs, which really tore at my heart. These people who knew me better than anyone actually could think I was doing drugs? I mean, I was so lost and out of my own mind I wouldn’t have put it past myself but no that was not the case. I was starving myself, eating about 200 calories a day because I had no appetite. I’d start to eat and get stuck into my head, questioning why I needed food if I was so useless, so worthless, so empty? My hair started falling out due to my poor nutrition and my face was so sunken in. I look back at pictures I took of myself at this time and it truly still makes me sad. I just looked…sad. I’d look in the mirror and see this girl but I didn’t know who she was. I was just in such deep, emotional pain that I felt it in my chest. I was short of breath, holding on for some type of relief. I felt very suicidal, wondering what the purpose in life was when all I did was bring misery and pain with me everywhere I went?  

One day, I decided that enough was enough. I was done trying with this boyfriend to get him to love me, I was done with feeling sorry for myself, I was done letting others control me and my emotions. I was done. I started to listen to some old music I used to listen to as a young girl to pump me up, which really got me thinking. I was mad at myself because the little girl I once was would be so disappointed in the older version I had become. I was a hopeful person with big dreams who had lost all sense of direction. A lot of me felt disappointed in myself for not working harder, thinking more, and chasing those dreams I had worked so hard for at one point in my life. I was irritated that my priorities were not in check when they needed to be. Each day since that very day that I decided that I would fight to rebuild myself and I would not be a victim to depression has been a journey, one that still continues to this day. Each day makes me worried that I’ll not get enough calories and lose more weight, or that my mind will slip back into that depressed, lost, empty person I once had become.

That once “kid,” who is now an adult, and I are still together today. A lot of things have been said, a lot of arguments had, but we are working on it each day. We are different people today than we were almost 4 years ago when all of this started, ended, and started again. I think the main problem I had with this person was that I reached out so many times for help when I was very empty, but I felt like he did not understand how much pain I was in. I felt like he didn’t care, and that he got some type of enjoyment out of seeing me suffer. I now know that was not the case, but it took me so long to finally let go of this anger and resentment I had towards him. We were young, we made mistakes. I had to forgive him for those mistakes and he had to forgive me for mine. We have both grown up and learned about each other more throughout the last couple of years. I wouldn’t say things are perfect by any means, but they are what they are right now. We just both have to find ways to cope with each other’s feelings and emotions. It is a work in progress, but we will get there.

I can proudly say, I am a lot stronger today at this current moment than I ever would have expected from myself when I fell so deep into depression. I’ve really shut off that “give more of myself to others than to myself” switch. I know that it does me a disservice at times but I really learned during that low point in my life that in the end, all you’ll have is yourself. I cannot depend on others to fill my bucket, I have to fill my own bucket. I am responsible to give myself value. I am responsible to love myself through the good and rough times. Having another person to love you is only the icing on the cake. I am not that selfish person I once was, using people at my disposal, all while lying and doing things behind their back. I could never go back to living like that, I just have way too many more morals than I once did. I’m still on my self-discovery journey in which I’ve shared with you. This post is more vulnerable than I normally am but this is me, the real, raw, not always so peachy version of me. This story is a huge point in my life, and it was definitely a huge turning point for me. I still have a lot to work on for myself,  but each day I am blessed with a new opportunity to grow and discover my soul.  

I highly encourage each person who struggles with feeling empty, worthless, useless, and/or is suicidal to please reach out for help. There is a light waiting for you at the end of this dark tunnel. Hold on, stay strong, and you will find your way out. Thank you so much for reading this very long post. Wishing you all a Happy New Year for 2020, and I hope you have a blessed day.

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