“I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.” – Roy Croft

LOVE: a four letter word, either a noun or a verb, a feeling, a thought, and according to the dictionary, love is a deep affection for someone or something. We watch movies, we listen to music, we see other couples and because of these things, it can cause us to believe in this hyperbolized version of what love is. I think love is something we as human beings desire to our core. Some of us are more willing to express our desire to love and be loved, while others might appear more reserved about it. I wanted to start this year off on a positive note and write about something that I think we all question and/or relate to. So, I want to ask myself this question: What does “love” mean to me?

I used to believe that love was something that was meant to be easy. It was meant to feel natural, not forced, and it was supposed to make you feel empowered, happy, and sometimes even, whole. I’ve spent a lot of time in 2021 experiencing things I never in my life would have ever thought would be my actual reality. I’ve learned a lot about what it means to truly love someone, but I’ve also learned about what it means to begin loving yourself. I’ve also found that my once very strong idea of what I thought love is supposed to be for me is nothing like what it actually is.

I am still working to find the similarities and also the differences between love vs lust, and missing someone vs loving someone. I remember the days when I could not really feel love at all. I had this guard up so high that I was unwilling to put down. I was terrified to be vulnerable. So, the universe and God had a plan, and I somehow found myself feeling things I had avoided feeling for such a long time. In those moments, I thought I had learned what it truly meant to love someone again.

I have found that when we try to over-control the outcome of things in our lives, God and the universe will find a way to break that control. Life will throw you many curveballs and you either have to learn how to catch them or you will get hit by them. Sometimes you think you have it all figured out but then boom, another curveball comes along and you begin to realize that maybe you still have so much more to learn. 

I grew up in a generation filled with unrealistic love stories and unrealistic expectations of what love actually is. I also know I grew up with this desire to be valued and seen, and that desire really made me seem to “fall in love” easily. I had the wrong definition of love for a very long time, and I thought that love from someone else could help me feel voids I felt within myself. Ironically, even the most love from someone else cannot fill voids I’ve had within myself.

When it comes to love, I want to be loved for me, the good, the bad, and all of the in-between. The me that I am referring to is the me that is actively trying to do and become a better person. I want to be loved, but I also want to be held accountable for the things I know I still to need work on. I want someone to help me in my growth, but also have grace for me in the sense that I am still human. I will make mistakes. I will overthink things I shouldn’t. I’ll get irritated over petty stuff. I will get upset in moments I have nothing to be upset about. I usually can recognize those things on my own, but there are still times I need my partner to communicate things with me that I might not see.

I want a love that challenges me. I want to love someone who supports me and I support them. I know relationships are not always 50/50, and I want to love someone who is able to be open and vulnerable in their own thoughts and feelings. I want to love someone who genuinely wants what’s best for me, and for me to want the same for them. I can be selfish at times, I want to love someone who will catch me in those moments that I am not as self-aware of my selfishness that I would like to be. I want to love someone who can communicate with me. I know I can be hard to communicate with at times, but each and every day I find that I’m doing better in accepting criticism. Admitting those insecurities out loud before someone calls me out on them has helped me tremendously in accepting the criticism that does come in any relationship.

Love should feel natural. That does not mean it should feel easy, because love can be challenging. Any relationship you have in your life will present its own challenges. There are not enough Reddit or Quora forums out there to help you prepare for your own struggles, not only with yourself, but with other people you surround yourself with. You can love your family, your friends, your partner, your pets, and you also can and most definitely should love yourself.

There are days I want an easy love, one that just lets me stay stagnant in who I am, one that lets me do my own growth without interfering, and one that just understands and validates the things I feel. Yeah, sometimes I just want things to go my way without having to defend that. However, I laughed as I wrote those last sentences because what kind of life would that be for me? Would I honestly be satisfied if I was living that life? Truthfully, probably not. I was not happy living that chapter of life before, and I know that’s why God has planted me in a new, (sometimes scary), chapter of my life now.

Maybe something I need to accept is that I may or may not need a little “push” sometimes. Sometimes I need someone to call me out on my nonsense and hold me accountable for the things I do. I feel like I do push myself a lot, but there are times I just remain stagnant because I am scared. I am afraid of the unknown. I’m scared to get too comfortable with someone, because what if I lose it all again? What if I get hurt? I think vulnerability is one of the hardest things to work through, because a lot of us will do anything we can to avoid feeling that pain.

I want a love that makes me feel like home, one that feels secure, safe, and where I can be my most authentic version of myself. I want to love someone who genuinely values me. I want them to work through things with me, to become stronger, together. I want to love someone who is my best friend, someone I can count on, someone I can cry to after a long, emotionally exhausting day. I want someone who understands that I am sensitive, someone who knows I feel so deeply, and someone to look at me the way I look at myself. After all, we accept the love we think we deserve. I believe I deserve someone who wants to grow with me, who wants to laugh with me, who feels comfortable with me, and someone who’s love I do not have to fight for.

I’ve learned is that there is a difference between feeling “loved” and feeling “validated.”. I want to feel validated that my fears, my feelings, and my thoughts are real, and important. I want my partner to remind me that I’m not alone. I have found myself in that pattern of seeking validation in a partner and confusing it with love. When rejected, it hurts. I begin to feel like I have to defend who I am, or like I have something to prove. I do not want to feel like I have to prove my worth to someone for them to love me. It’s a cycle I would really like to break because it does continue to cause me to question my self-worth and what it is that I deserve. The only person who should determine your worth is yourself.

To me, love is unconditional. Whether it is to love yourself, your partner, your family, your friends, your pets, you love them for who and/or what they are. You accept them as a “work in progress.” To be understanding of their struggles, to be genuine in your desire to have them in your life, and to want the best for them are all parts of love. Sometimes it might even mean letting go of someone you love in order for them to be happy. Love can mean many things for each individual person. And I hope you can find the love you personally are searching for in your life. Thank you for reading and have a blessed day.