“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing the monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” -C.S. Lewis

In my life, I’ve come to find that I allow a lot of things to hold me back from becoming the best version of myself that I can be. I hold onto things in the past. I fear things in the future. I get very caught up in the things that are actually holding me back, rather than focusing on the things that will push me forward.

We all have problems in our lives. We encounter defeat, disappointment, maybe even a broken heart, rejection, or just simply pain in our souls that we endure. Every single person handles the roadblocks in their lives very differently. Some people face them head on. Some people stand in place, hoping that the road block will move itself throughout time. Some, if not most, search for ways to run from them. Either way, we all cope with life’s greatest roadblocks put forth in front of us differently, and most of us struggle with the navigating around them.

This blog theme are questions that I didn’t find on a card deck or in a book. This topic is one I’ve desperately needed to address for a long time now but have avoided in such ways I never knew were possible. The questions I am asking myself this week are: what are the things in my life that are causing me the most pain? What are the things I need to let go of in order to move forward?  And, how can I grow in the places I am right now?

Let me preface my answer by saying this, I’ve been lost before in life, but the level of lost I feel right now within myself is one I have not felt for a while. I like to think I am reconnecting with myself and I am but it’s definitely been a work in progress. I am still very disconnected from the world around me. The things that used to excite me at one point no longer bring me joy. The parts of me that I used to appreciate I no longer find appealing. The person I once was, the person I was proud to be is hidden somewhere very deep inside and she is struggling to find her way back to herself again.

I’ve talked about my struggle to find my definition of home again, and each and every single day I close myself off to becoming attached to another place again. I used to be the girl who would cry after returning home from vacation, simply because being away from where I lived felt like home to me. I would become attached within the week or so I’d be gone, only to have to leave and repeat the cycle of becoming attached to somewhere I felt at home in, only to have it ripped away at the end. I have found that I used to get attached to people, places and things much easier than I do now. I always loved that I had the chance to explore new places, to see new things, and to be anyone I wanted to be by living vicariously through my imagination. All of these things gave me this sense of freedom and happiness that I’ve searched for throughout my entire life.

Each and every day I will admit, I struggle to let go of the life I once lived. I spend countless hours wondering things like, “was I happier then?” “Was I more myself then?” “What if this or that didn’t happen?” I ponder on the memories, the routine, the place I felt truly happy and comfortable, and the best friend I once had. I often question things in my head throughout the day, and I begin to fill my head with self-depreciating criticism for my actions that caused pain to someone else, but also to myself.

The thought of returning home from my vacation feels sad. Of course, I’ll miss the beach, the waves, the weather, and all of the above. However, the thing I have not found this time on vacation is a sense of attachment to this place. It’s normally so hard for me to leave anywhere. I just sit and ponder on the fact that even I, the person who would cry after going home from any trip, isn’t even getting attached to the place she has always felt was a second home. The problem is that I miss having a home base and right now, I feel like I am still searching for one.

I pass the time with the optimism of knowing something small, but good is coming. However, once the trips end, the high comes down, I am back at square one…every single time. I want to build and find a life that I am truthfully at peace and happy in. My life doesn’t need to consist of luxurious cars, objects, or a house that is too large for me to afford. I just want a simple life, a life I can find some sort of comfort in. Living in a zone full of uncertainty has taken its toll on me mentally, emotionally and physically. I truthfully find that it eats me alive each and every day.

To be honest, the first but most important thing I need to let go of is this idea that I’ll find the same sense of comfort in someone or at someplace new. My comfort I once felt was a sense that had no doubts, no questions, and no worries. Now that I’ve lost that sense of comfort once, I’m a bit more skeptical to get fully comfortable again. It’s one of those things that has caused me to put my guard up again. I begin to distance myself from people around me, because right now my heart is too vulnerable to get comfortable. I don’t think I’m ready for another disappointment, but the biggest fear I have is that I’ll never allow myself to put those walls down for someone or for something that is truly meant to come across my path.

The second thing I need to let go of is my fear of being uncomfortable. Life without control is a life full of adventure, sometimes scary, sometimes a bit crazy, but adventure none-the-less. I have been working to condition myself to try new things, things I would not normally try or do. I think part of my struggles have stemmed from this desire to find a comfort zone and to stick in it. Once that comfort zone becomes disrupted, I become lost, frantic, and unable to function. I do believe that in order to grow, we must be able to adapt to our surroundings. If our surroundings change, we have to find a way to bloom where the universe plants us. I think that is one lesson I have taken away from these last few months and one I will continue to value in my lifetime.

While on my vacation, I made the decision to take an object with me that represented something I needed to let go of in order to move forward. I chose to take my keys to my old home. I will be honest, that’s been weighing heavy on my mind. I feel like I start to accept where I am and then I regress back to this idea that I am never going to find my way to my next destination. To be lost in your life is a bittersweet feeling. It gives you an opportunity to find and discover yourself, but it also leaves you feeling confused and unsure of what direction you should pursue.

As I walked down the pier with my old house keys in hand, I felt this sense of peace. It was one of those bittersweet feelings really. However, I have and will never have use for those keys, that house, or my old life ever again. They are all just parts of my lessons I’ve learned and pieces in which I will use in my life to grow as a person. As I dropped my old keys into the ocean, I felt relief. It was almost as if tossing a silly figurative object off the pier, into the water, really represented what I needed to in my actual life to feel the same relief.

The last thing I need to let go of is this idea that I cannot bloom or grow in a new place. Before I left for vacation, I sat and cried as I thought about my banana plant (this plant means so much to me, more than mostly anything in my life) dying in a cardboard box. It was dug up for me but it was too large and heavy to be lifted or moved. It was too hard to divide up the plant on my own. I’d accepted the fact that I’d probably return home to a dead banana plant. I felt a piece of my heart break, because I knew how much this plant meant to me.

To my surprise, I came home to find that my banana plant was alive. Not only was it still alive, in a cardboard box, in the shade (banana plants prefer full sun), but it was sprouting new leaves. I felt this very empowering feeling because if my banana plant can not only survive outside of it’s preferred and happy habitat, but to also begin new growth, then so can I. I can bloom and grow where I am planted, like my banana plant in a box, in the shade, I must remain strong, and adapt to whatever surroundings I am placed in. This moment was a huge pivotal point for me, a moment I really needed in this time.

The thing about letting go is that it’s hard. It’s really simple and point blank, it can be very difficult to let go of a lot of things in our life. It does not matter what those things are, it’s hard. We become attached to things we believe we will have forever. Things change, life happens, people change, circumstances change, and time passes, and we are left looking forward to the new, and slowly having to let go of the old to make room for the new. It’s a cycle, and a cycle I am learning to navigate throughout this time.

To let go of the past, people, places, and/or ideas that hold you back will give you an opportunity to move forward into something that could be the best thing you never knew you needed. It’s never easy, but sometimes it’s the barrier that keeps you from feeling peace within yourself. If you want to add new things to your plate, you must clear some of the old things in order to make room for the new.

So, if you’re at a point in your life, feeling lost, unable to grow where you are, remember, you are strong. You can and will adapt to your surroundings, and each and every single day is new reminder of how strong you are. It’s been three months from today since I moved out of my old home, and each day I become stronger, more resilient, and I learn so much about myself and the world. I am grateful to be planted where I am, even if it’s not exactly the place I want to be, it’s the place I belong.

Thank you for reading.