“It is the highest form of self-respect to admit our errors and mistakes and make amends for them. To make a mistake is only an error in judgement, but to adhere to it when it is discovered shows infirmity of character.” -Dale Turner

It’s been a solid minute since I’ve written something, in fact it’s been about two months. It’s been a rough two months to say the least but here I am. There are a lot of days in which I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom. There are days in which I’ve felt hopeless, depressed and as if things are never going to look up for me. I’ve questioned every milestone of growth I’ve had. I’ve questioned if I even knew who I am anymore. I’ve questioned the person I want to be. I’ve reflected heavily on the mistakes I’ve made and I’ve really been very critical of myself because of them.

I feel like this blog is one of the most important ones I’ve needed to write, but have yet to fully process the extent of the mistakes I’ve made throughout recent months. I mean, I’ve made mistakes for longer than that but I feel as if the main extent of my actions have been so much more hurtful in recent months. I really want to preface this by saying that in my life, I’ve had trouble with not being able to feel guilt for hurting people whether that be intentionally or non-intentionally. In fact, I’ve had trouble feeling anything at all for such a long time. To live your life numb is not living life at all.

We all go through things. We all feel different types of pain. We all process, grieve, and live so differently. We all have bad days. We all have shit that happens in our lives. We all hold onto pain we should have released a long time ago. We have all made excuses for our behaviors. We are human. We make mistakes. We are imperfect. With that being said, it is never acceptable to treat people with disrespect. It is never acceptable to bring someone down simply because you yourself are down. It is never acceptable to lie, use, and/or abuse someone whether that be mentally, physically or emotionally. It is never acceptable to manipulate someone to get your way. It is never acceptable to treat someone as if they are insignificant, even if you feel insignificant in yourself. Bottom line here is this: your pain, suffering, insecurities and other miscellaneous bullshit do not give you an excuse to push any of that onto someone else.

I’ve been selfish. The extent of my selfishness that I’ve been in recent months makes me nauseated to think about. I’ve been such a horrible person to people who would do absolutely anything for me. I’ve taken advantage of so many people close to me. I’ve said and done mean, terrible things to people. I am just in shock at the things I’ve done in recent months. Like I said before, it makes me almost physically sick to think about. The worst part is that up until recently, I really was not fully understanding how bad this selfishness was getting.

I lost a lot recently. I was kicked out of my previous home, sending me back to live in my childhood bedroom with my mom. I lost my routine and life I lived, lost my best friend, my hobbies, and everything I felt as if I had worked for. I rightfully deserved it all. I deserved to be kicked to rock bottom. I truthfully do not even deserve for the person who kicked me out of my house to even speak to me after all of the things I put him through but he does. I could not be more grateful to have people in my life that give a shit, even if I have treated them terribly.

I’ve been on such a downhill spiral for the last 9 months or so. I’ve been doing such reckless, selfish, stupid things without thinking of the consequences. I had to take a second out of my reckless behavior to ask myself this question: why are you doing what you are doing? I found after a long conclusion that it is a combination of so many things. The biggest thing I found is that I truthfully have lost my will to give a shit. I lose my job? Oh well, guess I’ll find a new career. I lose my entire life, my home, my best friend and hit rock bottom? Eh, it is what it is. I lose friends? Oh well, I’ll make new ones. I say mean, terrible things to my family? Oh well, they are family they’ll forgive me. I spend or waste a ridiculous amount of money that I do not need to be spending? Oh well, I’ll make more. This mindset is not only dangerous but it is also so ignorant. It is nothing short of being an extremely selfish person. It is just absolutely sick.

This person I’ve become is not me. I am not the person who wants to be so drunk that I have to rely on some innocent, kind soul to carry me in like a deadweight and make sure I don’t sleep outside in the grass. I am not the person who takes absolute advantage of someone’s feelings and kindness for my own personal gain. This person I have become is not a person I like whatsoever. I have never felt like such an inadequate piece of shit more so than I have within the last month. Why do I feel so inadequate might you ask? I feel so guilty for the pain and suffering I’ve caused other people. I feel so selfish, so terrible, and so heartless, and I absolutely should.

To feel guilt and genuine remorse for the things I’ve done has been such a painful feeling, but such a needed one at the same time. Taking genuine ownership for the things I’ve done has helped me gain back some respect for myself that I’d lost. It makes me feel as if maybe I am not a complete narcissist but one who might have allowed her pain to cloud her judgement. I still make zero excuses for my behavior. Between the guilt I feel, the fear I have of my future if my reckless behavior continues, and the concern from the people closest to me, I really had to take a minute to ask myself: what will it take for you to get your shit together?

The first step to get my life together I’ve realized is to take full and complete ownership for my mistakes. I refuse to repeat the selfish actions I continued to do over and over again. I think mistakes are a gateway to growth, simply because we all make them. I realized that although I feel like an inadequate piece of garbage that deserves the worst because I’ve made so many mistakes in which have negatively affected so many people, there is no growth to be had by not giving a shit about what happens to myself or my life. I don’t wish the worst upon those who have hurt me and I know those in which I’ve hurt would not wish that upon me. In fact, those in which I’ve hurt have actually reached out to me in my time of need. I do not deserve the kindness, forgiveness, and empathy that I’ve received from so many people and that in itself is the motivator to getting my shit together.

I am such a grateful person. I feel like I have taken advantage of people’s kindness and I’m tired of not being grateful for the things I’ve realized could all be gone tomorrow. I am fortunate in so many ways. I cannot go back in time and fix my mistakes but what I can do is recognize them, take responsibility for them, and refuse to repeat them. I will use my mistakes which include the selfish ones, the reckless ones, the stupid ones, and even the accidental ones and use those as opportunities. I was in growth mindset for so long and I lost that mindset for a minute. I’ve never felt so disconnected from myself than I did when I lost that growth mindset. I will only gain respect for myself when I own the things I’ve done and use those experiences to learn, grow, and change.

Moral of today’s blog here is this: you are in control of your own life. Although I feel like my own life is spiraling out of control, or that I’m so lost I’ll never find the right path, and I feel so terrible for the many people I’ve hurt, the only thing to do is take a second, take a step back, and realize who you are and who you want to be. I’ve not felt more like myself than I do right now, introverting in an Applebee’s with free wifi, with my beats headphones on, writing this blog. I just have to find that person I am and who I want to be. It won’t be easy. Each day will be hard, but it’s all about mindset. Am I in growth mindset or am I in the self-pity mindset? I know for a fact that if I continue my life in this self-pity mindset I will never gain respect for myself or find the right direction. So, here’s to getting back into growth mindset. I have goals, maybe small goals, but my biggest goal I have here is to re-balance my life and to use my pain from the past as a potential for my future. I’m going to put my best foot forward, put some new lenses on to see life more clearly, and embrace the path that is to come.

Lastly, to those in which I’ve wronged who might have read this blog, please know how genuinely sorry I will always be. I will continue to grow and improve myself in order to avoid making the same mistakes again. I only wish you the best and if you’ve forgiven me for said mistakes, please don’t stop holding me accountable for my actions in the past and going forward in my future. I appreciate your kindness and compassion more than you know.

Thank you all for reading. This too shall pass, maybe like a kidney stone, but it will pass. I have to continue this journey and continue writing because this version of myself is the one I found the most happiness within. Have a blessed day.