“I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.” -Flannery O’Connor

Hello readers. It’s been a minute for sure since I have written anything. I have struggled for a while with writing blogs and I have kind of given up on it. Writing is something I love doing as a form of an emotional outlet, and I tend to find a lot of answers as I write throughout my blogs. I also love to share my own experiences with other people who may also be struggling with some of the same things, in hope that I can help people feel as if they are not truly alone. I wanted to take this the opportunity to write this blog as a “free-write.”

Lately, I’ve found that a lot of my emotions and feelings are really blurry and difficult to navigate. I’ve struggled with self-esteem issues a lot more, insecurities, anxiety, and just my overall well-being in general has definitely seen better days for sure. My anxiety has become more of a consumer of my mind, of my thoughts, and of my life. I think so many people do deal with anxiety on a day-to-day basis. Some people are better equipped at dealing with their anxious thoughts than others and that just is what it is I suppose. I am not exactly one of those people who have this well figured out yet, which can be very defeating and exhausting.

I don’t have a special question I am asking myself today as I write. I am not here to offer advice or input on how to handle life better in this post, simply because I am all out of answers. Instead, I’m writing this blog as a vulnerable human being, because the reality of life is that sometimes we don’t have it all figured out.

I like to think that identifying and talking openly about the things we struggle with can become a catalyst to discovering solutions and coping mechanisms to better handle them.

Much like how the seasons change, we change as people too. I sometimes like to compare these changes and feelings I experience to the season/weather changes that the Midwest (in particular the state of Indiana) has to offer. One day there might be a freeze warning with snow flurries, but then two days later, it’s 75 degrees and sunny outside. It is very unpredictable sometimes. You never know, you will probably need your cold season and warm season clothes to wear all in one week. 

I feel like my emotions are much like the constantly changing seasons. I am slowly learning more about this as days continue. I could feel great one day, but the next, my emotions may feel heavier than the day before. My anxiety controls me more than I control it and at times, it really is hard to manage. I hate when people ask “what do you have to be anxious about?” The truth is, I don’t always know what makes me so anxious. I think we all wish we knew. Sometimes my brain overthinks the stupidest things, or it creates fake scenarios that probably would never happen. Sometimes my heart beats a bit too fast, I become sweaty, my tone of voice becomes louder, nausea starts to set in, and I feel trapped in this figurative box that my brain has put me in.

Obviously, when my brain is in a panic, I am not by best self in these moments. I react poorly sometimes. I become overstimulated. I become frustrated much more easily. I try my best to control these emotions but the truth is, they control me much more. I know finding tools to be able to help calm these emotions down would be useful, however, in the moment, the whole “pause and take a moment to breathe” sounds much better said than actually done.

What are the things that trigger my anxiety? What are the things that exacerbate these panic episodes? Well, I’ve done a lot of thinking on these questions. I still know there are more triggers than what I have even recognized, but let me start by naming of a few I’ve given thought to.

1.     Fear of abandonment. I could write an entire blog on my fear of abandonment. I probably could in fact, write an entire book on it to be honest. I often find myself letting people in way too easily. I become attached to people, ideas, places, things, etc. I have tried to work through this fear, but it is definitely one that is much harder to work through than I thought.

2.     I have an anxious attachment style. This whole anxious attachment is awful. It truly makes me feel pathetic, desperate, needy, and at times selfish. I’m not the best person in an argument to walk away or give space. I become hysterical, fearful, and my anxiety is at a 10/10. I think this is one thing that really hurts my relationships because it can become overwhelming for my partner to handle. It’s hard for people to fully understand this. It’s also hard because the truth is, in these moments of panic, I am truly not trying to be selfish. I feel like in these moments, I cannot help my reactions. This is something I am glad I’ve recognized because I want to be able to seek help for this issue in particular.

3.     I am very critical of myself. This in particular makes my insecurities much larger, and much harder to manage. I could be doing something good, but still feel like I am not doing “good enough.” To never feel like enough for yourself only leads you to search to feel like enough for someone else. This need or feeling will never be met. I am learning this more and more as I go-and I will continue to work through this.

4.     I hate change. Sometimes change is essential to our well-being and for us to grow. There are often many benefits to change, especially change in a positive direction. However, I struggle to adapt to change, big and small. I often wonder why this is, but I have never fully understood this concept. I freak out, I become anxious, irritable, upset, and almost will do absolutely anything to avoid change of any sort, even the good changes. Sometimes I adjust, but it definitely takes me a while. This exacerbates my anxiety in such ways that it affects my day-to-day life. It is hard for those around me because I tend to take this anxious feeling out on them.

Identifying these areas is a step in the right direction. I know my anxiety will be something I will struggle with, and I don’t know what will fix it to be honest. I think a theme of my mind when it comes to my reasoning behind things or what I want in life is “I don’t know.” I just simply do not know right now. I am just trying to stay afloat, trying to manage my anxious mind and body, and my thoughts. I am trying to perform at my job at the best of my ability. I am working through things in my personal life. Right now, I have no long-term goals or aspirations. Right now, getting through each week is my goal. I think that’s honestly okay sometimes to just exist in life and try your best to make it through. I like to hope that one day I’ll find answers I am searching for but for now, I am going to float in my boat and hope for the best.

Lastly, I struggle a lot with finding a topic in general to write about. I want to appeal to my readers but also write about things I feel strongly about as well. I want to try to make positive adjustments to my blog, but I am unsure of where to start. If anyone does have suggestions on how to make my blogs better or appeal more to readers, I would greatly appreciate feedback.

Thank you for reading. Sorry, my thoughts in this are kind of all over the place.