To Find Unexpected Answers in Unexpected Places

“So, what if, instead of thinking about solving your whole life, you just think about adding additional good things. One at a time. Just let your pile of good things grow.” -Rainbow Rowell

I searched on Pinterest today “learning as you go quotes.” Ironically, this quote above was one that appeared under that search. This quote really sat with me and it honestly made me smile for a second. It’s that time of the year again where I reflect on the “words of the year” I chose for the year 2022.

Well, needless to say, I learned a lot of things this year in ways I was not intending to. I found answers in places I never thought would help me in my search. I feel like some of these goals and discoveries were meant to be found at the time and place in which I found them. I find that writing the reflection of the word goals of the year help me process and reminisce on the things that happened this year, but writing also helps me discover ideas for the next year’s word goals to pursue.

Patience.

I almost feel as if this word goal was chosen for me for 2022, and one goal I must continue to try to chase moving forward in my life. I want things to happen right now. This impatient side of me really does hold me back in many aspects of my life. I hurt people, not intentionally, but simply because I want resolution to any and all conflict with others right away. I don’t have patience for a lot of things, but it is especially worse when it comes to giving people a second to breathe, calm down, and readdress things in moments of conflict and controversy.  

Reading back the blog I wrote when I decided that this was going to be one of my word goals of the year, I feel like I’ve failed in this goal. I’ve kind of went backwards instead of moving forward in this. I think my anxiety and ADHD play such a large role sometimes. I struggle to pause, to breathe, and to take a second before I say things. My ego takes over, my pain resurfaces, and all of the logic in my brain is just like…gone. I feel like sometimes I cannot control the things I say or do. I will be honest, I am trying my best to recognize these moments and find solutions to my reactions in them.

I have found more patience for things in general though, things I did not think I’d become tolerant of. I’ve found more patience with young children which to be truthful is not something I thought I’d ever learn. I am still not perfect though. I still react poorly sometimes. I get frustrated, but I am trying to find a way to cope with the irritability I know is probably part of being a female with a lot of emotions. It’s hard, and to be honest, there are many days that it does not feel like it is getting easier. All I can do with this goal is to try to look at it in a positive light and hope that I will find more patience throughout time.

Peace.

One of my word goals of the year for 2022 was to find peace. Here’s the thing, this goal is something I’ve accomplished in ways I did not expect. I began this year with a lot of self-hatred. I still doubt myself sometimes, and have regrets that I hope will dissipate in time. I felt frustrated with my choices. I felt frustrated with myself for the pain I had caused to people who genuinely would have moved mountains for me. Not only did the forgiveness that those people gave to me help me move forward, so did the reality that I have to accept myself for the imperfect parts of myself that I am at that time. I had to also forgive myself and give myself some grace, much like they did.

I’ve made choices this year that did unfortunately cause pain to other people at times. Truthfully, I did not think of the pain I could cause to those people in particular at the time. There have been times this year that I myself have felt very lost, confused, angry, and simply just…empty. I was searching for solutions in places that would lead me to more questions. I say it a lot, I feel like I have not been myself for a while lately. The real kicker here I have to wonder is “who am I really?” Like, what do I define as being “myself?”

I know that God has a plan. What is the plan you may (or I often) ask? I am still so unsure. I just know the path, although rocky at times, was the path I was intended to go on. I don’t know how I’d handle a freshly paved road if it went on for too long. I’d probably turn off onto a gravel country road just to feel something different. That is just me though. I sometimes sabotage good things in search of things that make me feel something. I’ve had to find peace with this part of me, and I slowly am finding that peace each day that passes.

Perseverance

I saved this “word goal” for last to write about. I used this word now for two years in a row. I think it has earned it’s keep in the word goals of life I want to keep moving towards. The other words that are in this category include discover, perspective, and grow.

Reflecting on the blog I wrote last year, I read things I wrote and I feel like I was meant to re-read it honestly. These last couple of years have been hard mentally to say the least. I feel grateful that my life is what it is, but sometimes I feel very defeated. I feel guilty for feeling sadness, frustration, lost, and any emotion that does not coincide with gratitude and joy to be completely and fully honest with you.

I write blogs because I want to relate to people. I want people to feel as if they do not struggle and suffer alone. Most of my life I spent feeling alone, even on the days in which I was surrounded by a crowd of people. I guess that is part of being an introvert. I process things internally. I overthink everything. I question myself and my character more than I need to. I have days that I just feel worthless. I feel like I hurt people sometimes more than I help them. I feel this sense of anger towards myself. The battles I’ve fought with others are painful, but nothing has been more painful than the battle I’ve fought within myself. This word was meant to resurface for a second year in a row because to persevere is all I can do in these times of self-doubt and self-hatred.

Part of me has higher hopes for 2023, but I have to remain realistic. My 2023 word goals of the year blog will be written soon. To be fair, 2022 is yet to be over yet. It feels as if time has really flown this year and that I blink and miss so much time. I’ve found parts of me that I lost this year, but I also lost parts of me I thought I’d never let go of. I’ve had to let go of people, thoughts, and places I needed to release a while ago in order to heal. I feel like I’ve closed chapters that parts were maybe left unread. I feel like I’ve set myself in a position to fail. I think part of me wants to fail. I want to fall to the bottom subconsciously because rock bottom is the best and only foundation in which I know I can rebuild my life. Maybe I’ve been to what I personally believe and have experienced as rock bottom a time or seven.

The best is yet to come. I have to hold this as a mantra each and every single day in order to move forward. Readers, if you got through this long post, I appreciate you. I highly suggest these “words of the year” if you are interested because it does help with reflection. Write it down in a personal journal if you need to. Writing all of these emotions out for all to read on a blog is hard sometimes, but it was a challenge I had to conquer. I remember when “to challenge” was a word goal of the year. I see progress, sometimes slowly, but progress nonetheless. Chase those goals. Become the person (or try your hardest to be) who you want to be. You never know the next steps that will come. Stay tuned for my 2023 words of the year goals post to come.

Thank you for reading. Have a blessed day.