“You don’t just wake up and become a butterfly. Growth is a process.” -Rupi Kaur

Full disclosure: if I had it all figured out in the department of the self-love and self-respect, I would not be writing this blog right now. To be honest, learning how to love myself and practice self-care have been things  I’ve struggled with for a long time. I have a tendency to ignore my  own needs and I begin to allow the emotional energy of everything and/or everyone else to drain me mentally. I find myself lashing out at those closest to me because of my inability to recognize that I am projecting my emptiness onto them. To be able to set healthy boundaries for myself and to respect other people’s boundaries have both been huge things I’m currently working through. It’s been a process, and a revelation in the sense that I can identify this as a problem. I really want to grow in this department and I know it takes time, acceptance, self-work, and also some self-grace to get there.

The story of who you are is made up of more than just your flaws and insecurities themselves, so you have to prevent them from controlling the narrative.

To be truthful, it’s so much easier said than done to not allow my insecurities and self-deficiencies control my life. I learn about different things in which I feel deficient in myself as I go. There are new things I begin to identify to be toxic traits and habits that I truly never recognized. There are parts of me that I know I’ve really worked through and some parts in which I am working through much slower than others. Healing does not happen overnight. To be honest, I believe healing yourself begins when you decide you start to question who you are and who you want to be. You have to want to put in the work in order to heal. You have to feel the hard feelings, you have to accept and admit the things about yourself that you may not feel the best about.

Healing for me somewhat began when I realized I was tired of feeling sorry for myself. I could look around and see so many people with much less than I had, but felt happier than I did. I felt ungrateful, and entitled and although it took a while to overcome those feelings, it really begins when you recognize that you have to help yourself. I got tired of trying to have a pity party for myself because the party was lonely, there was no cake, there were no balloons. It was me, and me alone, projecting my pain and misery onto others because I felt so sad and stuck.

I have written a couple of blogs discussing the question of who am I? Truthfully, I fully don’t know 100%, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I may not fully ever know who I am. Just like the four seasons, people change. Sometimes (if you live in Indiana or the Midwest at least), you may experience all four seasons in one week. I love the warm sunny days, the blooming flowers that come in the spring, the leaves changing in the fall, and even watching the snow flurries fall in the winter. The rainy days are most definitely not my favorite, but they are necessary. The rain provides nourishment to the crops, the trees, the flowers, and the grass.

To be more aware of who I am as a person and to have the ability to change the things I recognize I do not like about myself are two different things. Throughout my growth phase, I begin to feel like I’ve accomplished something, so I get excited. I begin to feel hopeful again. I enjoy sharing my growth process and growth in general with those close to me. Maybe I tend to share those types of things in this subconscious search for belonging. Maybe I share my growth process in search for acceptance. I know that either way, for me to be able to share my most authentic parts of myself with someone is hard, but made even harder when I feel judged for sharing these parts to begin with.

I spent some time google searching about how to lessen the depth in which I feel my emotions. I unfortunately found that honestly, I can’t exactly change the way I feel emotions. There are days that I wish I was different. I wish I was not so reactive. I wish I did not have to cognitively control anger issues that are deep rooted to my past, all the way into my young childhood. It seems like the parts of me I hate the most always come out again, over and over, no matter how hard I try to control my emotions. Something I’m trying to accept and need to admit is that yes, often and most times, my emotions control me more than I can control them.

When my thoughts feel overwhelming, when I feel overstimulated, and when I feel like I am burdening others with my inner demons, I tend to withdrawal. I can’t just put on a fake face and be happy and pretend that my head is not a jumbled up mess. I don’t want to just be going through the motions, I want to be fully present in things I do. This withdrawal does come across to some people as selfish, and that I only care about my own feelings and thoughts. As much as I truly do not intend to be selfish, I can see and understand why someone might feel that way.

Maybe it is selfish. Maybe I am not being considerate of other people when I feel like my thoughts are blocked and my emotions are all over the place. I withdrawal because I feel like my mood will be projected onto other people. I’m embarrassed. I am insecure at the fact that I have to literally isolate myself when I am hurting. I’m embarrassed that I feel things so deeply, to the point I have to take drives, take long baths and lock the door, or literally hide away from people to just process. I don’t like letting people down. I don’t particularly enjoy crying in front of people because it makes me feel so weak sometimes. I feel like a burden a lot of the time. So, instead of realizing I am embarrassed and upset with myself, I project that frustration onto other people by assuming they are upset or disappointed in me for withdrawing when in reality, I’m disappointed in myself.

I can be a lot to deal with. I jump to the wrong conclusions. I project my fears and insecurities onto those close to me. I talk in circles. I talk too much. I am emotional in times that I shouldn’t be. I overthink things to the point of literal insanity sometimes. I can’t communicate that great. I don’t respect boundaries. I have a really lousy past that haunts me at times. I tend to make the same mistake over and over again. I have poor coping strategies at times. I am indecisive.  This paragraph seemed too easy to write for me, and I know that might be part of why my brain and heart feel so blocked lately. I just feel like I’m too much at times for other people, but ultimately I feel like I am too much for myself.

I always tell myself the quote, “accept the things you cannot change, and change the things you cannot accept.” However, it truly begins with acceptance in order to heal. I have to accept the things I need or want to change about myself. I have to be honest with myself and accept the hard truths I will be presented with over and over again. It’s easier said than done.

Acceptance is a pivotal step in healing. You may not even know things you need to work through right at this moment, but maybe in a year, something toxic or unhealthy you’re doing may be brought to your attention. The hardest part is trying to listen to this feedback, and trying to avoid becoming so defensive. Most people, including myself have trouble handling criticism. It’s getting better as I heal but it still is hard.

Yes, I am tired of my own shit, but if you want the most authentic truth, I struggle to fix it sometimes. Maybe I can’t do this healing thing alone. I might need therapy. Therapy can be the best thing for some people. I don’t know why I am so scared to go to therapy. I am not sure I’m scared because I fear it will make me feel like I cannot handle myself on my own. However, I know I am too much for myself to handle sometimes. Maybe I need to face this irrational fear of going to therapy to seek help for my emotional issues and to help heal my trauma. I just need to accept that maybe I cannot do this alone. Although I struggled to find my faith in God, I knew I could not do this life alone. This in itself has helped me build a stronger faith which I believe has saved and changed my own life.

Maybe I need to accept the fact that it might be time to seek therapy and other options. I want to live a fulfilling life. I want to change the parts of me that are toxic and that seem to be even too much for myself to handle. I just feel like I am in this cloudy state of mind right now. I know other people struggle with this as well. This blog, like a few others, is one that ends as a “to be continued” post. Growth is hard, so freaking hard. I know growth is not linear, it’s messy and can be all over the place sometimes. I just have to refocus myself back to myself again. I know in my heart it will get better day by day. I am grateful. I am lucky. I am blessed. I have faith in my growth and in my soul that the rainy days will pass.

If you, or someone close to you is also struggling with the idea of therapy and in self-love, you are not alone. This life is not meant to be lived in isolation and without others who may feel similar. Reading other people’s story has helped me grow in itself. Just know, it’s a process. As much as I remind myself day after day, I will get there, one step at a time.