“What the new year brings you will depend a great deal on what you bring to the new year.” -Vernon McLellan

I giggled as I see the photo I chose for my cover for this. I was trying to take a cute photo on this tree branch, instead I captured myself doing whatever it is that I am doing here. Right after this, I fell off the tree log mainly because I am awful with balance. I chose this photo as my cover because losing my balance, and the idea of a cute tree branch picture not being able to happen represents how I feel as I’ve struggled a lot with finding the right three choices for my “word goals of the year.” I know the longer I procrastinate writing this blog, the longer it will take me to make the actual choices for my goals. I know, however, falling down from anything gives me an opportunity to stand back up and to alter my choices in the future. So, that’s what I am going to do.

Ironically, I had this realization. Today is January 12th. We are nearly getting to the halfway point of January and I have yet to make these goals real to me yet. I have been too worried about the third word goal that I feel like I’ve been missing the two goals that are right in front of me. This year, I am doing less. I am going to choose this year to stick with only two “word goals of the year” and put my efforts into those wholeheartedly. I know I can overstretch myself at times and I think the lack of decision making for my third word indicates that I should spend my time focusing on the two that actually have been set in stone so far for me for a little while.

Worth.

My first word goal is “worth,” and it was an easy choice to make. I am constantly self-sabotaging things in my life, or doubting myself in so many ways. I talk down about myself. I feel like something is fundamentally wrong with me most of the time. I definitely try my best to hide those insecurities, but sometimes they just find their way through the shield and armor I put up.  I often wonder if I believed in myself more, would I accomplish and become more?

I often forget the good things that I can do because I constantly get caught up on the bad things I have done. There is no one out there that doubts me more than I doubt myself. I constantly feel like I am apologizing for everything I do and for who I am. I think my lack of self-confidence and self-worth is holding me back in ways I still have not figured out yet.

I feel very frustrated with myself. I know I have made a lot of choices that have led me down the roads I’ve been on. I have been searching for so long to find something, but what am I searching for? I have yet to find what that is to begin with. There are a lot of days in which I just want to run away from my past, from the present, and from my fear of the future. However, I don’t think running away from things that scare me or hurt me is going to help me.

I am still working through the whole idea of finding my identity. I am hoping that finding my worth will help me in the process of discovering my identity. I feel as if our identities change throughout time and as we grow and I am trying my best to grasp this concept.

I allow the value placed on my own self-worth to be determined by so many other people aside from myself. I want to be selfless, yet I feel selfish. I want to be someone I don’t think I can even be. Once I realized I needed boundaries for myself in my life, I felt more at peace. However, I’ve let these boundaries become very blurry in the last couple of years. I push myself, thinking I can handle things, or that I should be able to handle things at least, but… what if I can’t? What if I need those boundaries to function properly? I think these thoughts make me feel very inadequate in myself, because I don’t want to feel like I have limitations or that I cannot handle the things life will throw at me without falling apart mentally.

There are often times in which I push my boundaries much further than I know I need to. This causes me to  become resentful to those around me, instead of placing the blame where it belongs…on myself for pushing myself too far, especially when it is something I knew I shouldn’t have pushed too far to begin with.

I want to find my worth in myself, and my worth in the things in life in which I take for granted at times. Not all things are valuable based on a dollar amount, but more about the value they hold within themselves. I want to find that value in myself.  I need to find my worth. I think the longer I wait to find this, the harder it is going to be for me to move forward with any aspect in my life.

Manifest

Manifest, another word I found to be an easy word goal for me this year. To me, to manifest is to bring thoughts, ideas, and mindsets into reality. To work for, to hope for, to believe that certain things will happen. Manifest was a choice for me because I do experience a lot of anxiety. I struggle with self-control, and with the idea of “taking a deep breath and relaxing.” I often expect the worst in nearly all situations, simply because I am used to being disappointed or because I’ve just conditioned myself to feel that way.

I am still working on how I am going to make this goal happen. I know changing my mindset is a huge start. Good things will come to those who believe and work for them. People can change, if they choose to. I don’t have to remain the person I once was, I can become the person I want to be if I truly choose to be. I feel like manifesting positive changes, positive outcomes, and a positive life will help me move forward from so many things that hold me back. To me, manifesting can also be as simple as reminding myself “it’s all going to be okay” in a moment that I feel like I am falling apart.

It's 2023. It’s been now almost a decade since I graduated high school, and it feels like time has flown by. It’s like I blinked and then I was almost 29 years old, confused and lost. I question things about who I am, who I have been, and who I want to be moving forward into the future. I still don’t even know what I want for my life, but maybe that is okay. I don’t know for sure, but I am hopeful that I am on the right path, whatever path that may be.

I might not bring three word goals to the table this year, but I want to work on pursuing the goals I have set, regardless of the fact that maybe I have one less than last year. Hopefully, in December I will have a more positive post than I did last month. Maybe I can actually accomplish more with less goals than I could if I keep overextending myself. I highly encourage anyone on a self-discovery journey to create word goals of the year, because they really have helped change my life.

I just have to have faith in myself, and continue on this self-discovery journey, one step at a time. Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day.