“Pay attention to your patterns. The way you learned to survive may not be the way you want to continue to live. Heal and shift.” -Dr. Thema Bryant Davis

I’ve been in a bit of a negative headspace lately which is part of the reason I have not been writing as much as I would want to. I think I am trying to simply navigate life and process things as the person I used to be, the person I am, and the person I want to be. I have found myself feeling very inadequate, very disappointed in myself, and very confused as to why I am not seeing improvement or positive changes in direction in my life. So, I think the best thing I can do is just start writing it out to process some of these thoughts.

I feel as if I should start by examining the person I used to be. I am 26, almost 27. I’ve worn a few different hats throughout the years. I’ve been a shy, awkward, introverted person. I’ve been an outgoing, overly emotional person. I’ve been a selfish person. I’ve been a manipulative, controlling person. I’ve been a narcissistic person. I’ve been a distant person. I’ve been an insecure person. However, I have also been a grateful person. I’ve been a loving person. I’ve been a broken person before as well. I’ve felt as if throughout different points in our lives, we adapt and change into the person that we need to be to navigate that time best. Sometimes the person we become isn’t exactly a person we like. Sometimes we miss the person we used to be.

I hold onto my insecurity of the person I used to be. There is a piece of me that always is afraid of becoming that person again. There was once a time in which I was a selfish, narcissistic, self-absorbed, conceited, controlling, manipulative human being. I fear that version of myself because to be honest, I hate that version of myself. I hate the person who puts other people down in order to build themselves up.  I hate it so much that I have found myself searching on Google “how can I stop being such a narcissist?” “Am I selfish?” “What is wrong with me?” I have found myself sobbing my eyes out, praying to God at my lowest points, begging him to help me become a better person. Even though in my eyes I’ve changed, I still struggle to fight that part of the evil human being I used to be that will probably always have a small part of my brain. 

To be honest, I look at my life and wonder how I’ve messed up so many things. I’ve tried to do so much on my own and I have just refused help or guidance of any kind. I’ve let go of my faith in the universe at this point, because the universe apparently has other plans for me. I often wonder if there is a reason for the things that have happened, but I also can’t help but be a little disheartened by the events that continue to take place in my life.

I’ve had a lot of introspection and a lot of it has consisted of me questioning if the unfortunate things that happen in my life or the mistakes I make are all parts leading me to realize that I cannot fully control my own life. I am trying to accept that I can no longer control my life and my outcomes which I used to think I could do. I am not sure if I really ever noticed a pattern in my life, the one in which whenever I tried to control the outcomes of a situation, it never worked out the way I wanted. I feel like I cannot fix or change the things in my past or rid the person I used to be, but I also cannot continue accepting the part of me that I don’t like.

I’ve talked about insecurities a lot in previous posts. Some insecurities are ones we can change. Some are ones in which we know we are capable of changing but elect not to. However, some insecurities we hold onto are much deeper than that. Some parts of who we are as humans we have to either accept or change. There are just some parts of us in which we refuse to accept but don’t exactly know how to change. We wonder why we have these parts of us, we try to find ways to change them, but they still exist. As I stated above, one of my biggest insecurities is the fact that even though I am working so diligently hard to become a better, less controlling, more selfless individual, that selfish version of myself seems to still come out, even when I fight to rid that part of me. Whether it’s when I drink a little (or a lot) too much, or have an off day, that version of myself still does exist and I hate it. It’s the part that holds me back from being the best version of who I am.

No one takes pride in being selfish. No one actually wants to be a shitty person but sometimes, you are. Sometimes you treat people like shit. Sometimes you make really shitty choices. It’s not something in which we earn a badge of honor or get praise, but it should be something in which we reflect on. Every mistake we make, every time we treat people like shit, every time we put someone down in order to fulfill a missing piece of ourselves, we should take away a learning experience. We might not earn a badge of honor and we most definitely shouldn’t, but we can earn a badge of acceptance, a badge of ownership, and a badge of courage for seeking the most growth from the biggest mistakes.

One thing I have learned throughout my life is that the power to become and be a better person lies in my own hands. I have the ultimate choice to fight my demons. I know that even though I can try my best to grow, shift, and heal, that there are going to be days that I slip up. There will be days that my ego will overpower my inner-self dialogue. I find that I feel tempted a lot, but it’s that sense of self-respect and self-discipline that I have to hold onto in order to keep my life on track. I will admit, I do slip up sometimes, but at the end of the day, I must learn how to avoid the slip ups, avoid my own excuses, and to pursue a life that I can be proud of.

To be honest, I think my biggest insecurities I have are hard to pinpoint. I have a few, but one of them I’ve been really trying to dive into is my drinking. This is actually the first time I’ve written about this. It is uncommon for me to go an entire day without at least one drink. I would love to pinpoint the exact reason as to why I started drinking again in the first place. I remember being so afraid to lose control of myself and of my judgement. Now, I have become much more fearless of things I used to be petrified by. I am just in this “embrace and enjoy life” mood lately. Do I love that part of me, the part who is ready to dive straight into whatever life has to offer? Absolutely. Do I find myself becoming more fearless, even if I am sober? Yes. Am I proud to see myself grow into the person I electively want to be without alcohol? Yes. However, I still have work to do.

Sometimes I wonder if my escape from feeling the emotions from every single human around me, my insecurities about the depth in which my soul is, and/or my social anxiety are all reasons that cause me to continue my drinking. I don’t exactly know if there is one particular reason exactly as to why I want to feel like less than myself. I don’t know why I don’t like all of the things about myself that I once loved. I do know that I have always struggled with the criticism of others, and the critique that I am “too emotional” and/or “too deep” has always hit me very hard. I know I am deep, emotional, and in my feelings more than a lot of people. I also do remember the days that I had no feelings at all. I remember being numb to the world, wishing I could feel something more than just anger and resentment towards the world and the people in it. Now that I no longer hold onto that anger and my emotions are actually existent, it’s hard sometimes to navigate. Even though it might be difficult and exhausting sometimes, I do know this, I would never want to return to the days in which I felt numb, and had no feeling at all.

I wonder if my subconscious mind still holds onto that selfish, controlling human that I used to be, as a coping mechanism. It’s scary to approach life with an open-mind. It’s hard not to have a plan. It’s hard to have to instill your trust in God and the universe that your life will work out the way that it is supposed to, especially if you spent most of your life wanting to be able to have some sort of control. I pinpoint my subconscious need for control in my life to my childhood. I remember wanting to be able to have a say in my life choices. I remember feeling very hopeless. useless, and inadequate after losing loved ones, especially ones I thought I had the opportunity or chance to save. I had to forgive myself for those things and accept that all of the good and bad things that occurred helped shape me into who I am right now. I frequently had to remind myself that yes, it might hurt. It might be hard. It might be frustrating. However, it is the way it was supposed to be.

We all have the fear that regardless of what we do, some people will always see us from their own negative perceptions. We have to search into ourselves in order to find the reasons as to why we do the things we do. No matter what happens, people will form their opinions of you. You can have so much growth within yourself, but the only person who will notice that growth is you, and truthfully, that’s the only person who needs to notice. Yeah, we will make mistakes in our lives. We will slip up somedays. We will regress in our growth. We will question who we are and who we want to be. The answers lie somewhere beneath your self-depreciating thoughts and within your soul. The truth is, we are all a little selfish sometimes. We are all a little bit broken. We all feel some sense of inadequacy. But we are human. And as humans, we are here to learn, grow, and become better for ourselves and for the people we love that surround us. Everything you need is already within you. So, with the powers you possess within yourself, your strength, and your faith, you can and will become the person you want to be.

Thank you for reading and I hope you have a blessed day.