“We cannot become what we want by remaining what we are.” -Max Depree

Hello all! Welcome back to my blog. I know it’s been a minute since I have posted anything. I’ve been pretty busy with moving into our new apartment, working and everything else that comes in my path. I decided to write this post today because it is one that I’ve spent a lot of my time thinking about.

It’s more than mid-way through the month of July, this year has seriously flown by. More than half of it is over already. I will say, this year (so far) has been one to test me, one to really challenge me, and one to really force me to evaluate who I am and who I want to be. I look down on my Macbook where I put a sticker next to my scroll pad that says “what’s coming is better than what’s gone.” Each day, I witness this saying become more and more true. This then prompts me to reflect on the many changes that have happened this year, the many moments in which I felt very low and down on myself, and the amount of milestones I’ve (sometimes barely) overcame.

Throughout life, we will experience many changes. Some changes are big and some are small. Some changes are ones we didn’t even know we needed at all. Some changes are good and some are bad. Some changes can even make us feel both happy and sad. The truth is that change is inevitable, and whether we like it or not, we have to find ways to accept it and adapt to it.

I wrote a blog post back in December titled “To Reflect on the Past to Move Forward to the Future.” (If you click anywhere on the title of that post, it will automatically take you to that  page if you wanted to read it). Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, reflection. So, the thing about re-reading this post is that a lot of the same similar feelings I had back then I also have sitting right here today. The interesting part about it all is that my life looks 100% different today than it did back then. (I also find comedy in the sense that I felt like I’d been through a lot back in December of 2020. It is almost as if 2021 said “hold my beer” because if any single year has been one of the most physically, mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually challenging I would say it is 2021).

I had three words I wrote about back in December that I refer to as my “words of the year.” I use these words to develop goals and to live a lifestyle that will help to transform these words into choices and actions. My words of the year I chose as goals were: to challenge, to persevere, and spontaneity.  To be fully honest, I did not think I would find myself wholeheartedly fulfilling each and every one of these word goals. That is because of either A.) I don’t fully believe in myself and I lack that initiative and drive to actually implement my “words of the year” into my day to day life or B). I don’t always put my full 100% all into stuff that I find to be difficult. Truthfully, I think it is a mixture of both A and B.

To challenge: You may be wondering, why did you choose that word? Well, at the moment I was choosing word goals, I felt that challenging myself was the most necessary and an essential goal I needed to accomplish in order to experience any type of growth.  A lot about this year has challenged me but not all of those things have been by choice. I have found myself in situations, places, and in different mental head spaces I’ve never experienced. I’ve felt feelings I was forced to feel. I have felt losses that have broken me in ways I have never been broken before. To be honest, this year has challenged me to hold myself together in the moments that I simply just want to fall apart and give up.

Originally, “to challenge” meant that I would push myself to do things that will help me grow the most, which typically happens to be the things that make me the most uncomfortable. I wrote: “I want to do things I’ve always wanted to do but didn’t because I allowed fear to hold me back.” (Little did I know that God, the universe, and 2021 had other plans for me.)

Recently, I was presented with a couple of opportunities in which I had to decide between taking a risk or remaining in my comfort zone. I look back on my blog in December and remember another reason why I wanted to make to challenge one of my words of the year in the first place. “Who’s to say I won’t find myself in places I never thought I would ever go? I’m tired of saying “I guess I’ll never know.” I am ready to start saying “I’ll give it a try.” I have re-read and reiterated this quote from my December blog to myself many times because it’s helped me so much in my decision making process. After thinking things through, outweighing the pros and cons, I ultimately decided to take the risks and move away from the safe zone. I know that if I were to look back, I’d regret saying no to opportunities that could help me grow, learn, and become a better version of myself.

One of my biggest challenges I have to overcome is my fear of change and my hesitancy to explore anything outside of my comfort zone. I do find a little bit of irony in the whole situation simply due to the fact that I love to explore the new and unknown, however, I am terrified to explore the new and unknown.

This year has really pushed me so far from my comfort zone that I’m not even sure what that zone is anymore in some aspects of my life. I know I will eventually find a place in which I feel is comfortable but I know that before that, I have to find a happy medium. I also have to learn to distinguish between what is healthy comfort and what is unhealthy comfort.

Another step I have to challenge myself to do is to take control of my own self-doubt and negative thoughts in order to move in the right direction of life. I’ve come to realize the person that holds me back more than anything is myself. This is partially due to the fact that I hate change, and because I almost always second guess every choice I make. To be honest, I really don’t have any regrets in the things I chose to do in the past, but I do have regrets sometimes for the things I chose not to do. It makes me really see that I need to work on accepting my decisions instead of constantly questioning them.

Something that has helped me personally cope with all of these recent changes and my life in general has been to work on my faith and on strengthening my relationship with God. I feel like I really struggled with my faith for a long time, and I’ve spent a lot of time believing that most if not all of my internal and external problems could be solved all on my own. I came to realization that maybe I am not fully equipped to handle every single thing in my life alone and that it is perfectly acceptable to open my soul and heart to God and let him in to guide, strengthen, and prepare me for the challenges that will come.  I can honestly say that looking back at where I was 6 months ago to where I am at today that I would not be here had I not rediscovered my faith. (I also know and respect that everyone discovers their own meaning of faith when they are fully ready and should not feel forced to do so until then).

Although this year so far has really broken me down which in turn forced me to evaluate and improve a lot about myself, this year has also brought me closer to trusting myself and accepting myself for who I am. Of course, I still do second guess my decisions and I have my own insecurities as well, so while I might not fully trust and accept myself 100%, that’s perfectly okay. Sometimes it’s the part in which we remember that growth is not something that typically happens quickly or overnight. One thing I’ve definitely learned throughout my self-discovery journey is that while true growth will require a lot of work, it will also require a lot of patience. I have learned so much about patience through my faith and through the growth that I’ve experienced along the way.

Moving forward, I plan on putting my faith in God, faith that he will give me the knowledge, the dedication, the patience, and the strength to succeed in new challenges that are to come soon in my life. I’ve come to realize that until we do the thing in which we are most afraid to do, we neglect to see what we are fully capable of. So, explore those places that you’ve never been. Explore those ideas you have yet to think of. Explore that person who might make you nervous, but makes you laugh more than you have laughed in a very long time. Explore that opportunity that might scare you. Pause. Take a moment. Close your eyes and remind yourself: although it might be frightening, you won’t know if you are capable of mastering something unless you explore it in the first place.

Lastly, I plan to continue pushing myself to fully embrace, explore and pursue my goals I’ve set through my three words of the year. I plan to continue working through my fear of change. I want to work to earn trust with myself, trust that will help me feel more confident in my decision making now and in the future.  I want to grow in my ability to recognize the times in which my fear is clouding my judgment and decision making. Most of all, I want to keep exploring new (sometimes scary) opportunities with my faith, some optimism, and an open-mind. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said “you gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

Thank you for reading and have a blessed day.