“The truth is, self-discovery isn’t this comfortable, miraculous thing. It can get ugly, it can get confusing. It’s gritty, it’s hard. It’s difficult to confront yourself sometimes. It’s difficult to be the person who does things differently, who doesn’t settle But it’s the greatest gift you will ever give yourself. It will push you towards figuring out what our own personal version of happiness looks like; and when you grow on your own terms, when you figure out what actually matters to you, and when you carve out your own path, you live on your own terms. You love on your own terms. You become the person you have always wanted to be, rather than the person you were always told to be, and that is beautiful. Because when it comes down to it, life is about making yourself proud on your own terms. It’s about finding a happiness that works for you.” -Bianca Sparacino

There might be a day that will come when you come to a full stop and you take a good look at the world around you and you wonder where you are. You might feel a bit disassociated, like you are having an out of body experience, where you are looking at yourself and the world from outside of your own body. You might feel lost, worried, angry, confused, and unsure of what direction you turn next. You may have already experienced this feeling before in your life. If so, I hope you have been able to find growth in yourself whether that be spiritually, emotionally, and/or mentally. If you’ve come to this stop and you are unsure of where to go, I’d love to share some of my experiences in my soul searching journey to self-discovery and on how you can make the right turn to get you headed in the direction you want to go.

Let’s say you are walking and have come to a stop in your road. You are now stopped at a dead end road with a T-intersection and you are faced with two crossroads, unsure of which direction to turn. You ultimately you have four choices when it comes to deciding which way to go. You can turn around, and walk back into the direction that you came from, destined to continue all of the same habits that once led you to these crossroads to begin with. Your second option is to simply just stand there and make no move at all, which will only lead you to be in a “lost” state of mind until you finally decide to make a move. The third option is to take the path of the least resistance, the more smoothly-paved route. This route may temporarily help you get out of a “lost” state of mind for a while. However, eventually you will find yourself feeling “numb” to the world around you until you arrive at these same crossroads once again to hopefully choose a different path.

The fourth and final option is to take the long path with the rough gravel-like texture that will be frequently be painful to walk on. This path, however, will lead you to shed layers of emotional pain, past losses you’ve experienced, and anger you’ve held onto as you walk along. This path will bring you closer to discovering and embracing who you are by shedding light on your insecurities. The rough gravel beneath your bare feet will become easier to walk on, because you will find shoes you had stuffed at the bottom of a bag that you originally didn’t know you had packed. This path will lead you to discover that everything you needed for your journey of life was always with you the entire time. This path will force you to find ways to love the work in progress that you are, or to change the things you do not like about yourself. This path will lead to intense spiritual, emotional, and mental growth. It will help you change your mindset and it will lead you to appreciate the good and bad things that you have encountered in this life. This path is the one that will lead you to a whole new destination, not to return to the same crossroads you once stood at. You might encounter new crossroads at different intersections in the future, but you will have developed the mental strength to look back and reflect on how far you’ve come. This will encourage you not to give into taking the easy route and will motivate you to continue taking the paths in which lead you to discovering your potential for growth and your true inner strength.

It has been almost one year since I began my soul searching, self-discovery journey. I’d always wanted to start a blog, but I really never had much to talk about. I also found myself feeling very numb to the world around me. I mean, I had a good career, a good life, I was healthy, I had a family that loved me, a great partner who cared about me, a couple of friends whom I spoke to, I finally got my bachelor’s degree, something I had always expected of myself but I was still not happy. To be honest, I felt this disappointment and dissatisfaction in myself and in my life which prompted me to ask myself one day, what is it in your life that you feel like you are you missing?  

I found myself at these crossroads I discussed above. I knew that many times, over and over again, I chose the path of the least resistance. I learned how to bury emotional pain, loss and grief in the backyard, figuratively of course, hoping that it would never be dug up or discussed again. I buried my disappointment in my life and in myself in the backyard. I buried the pain from my childhood, the pain from many heartbreaks, the pain from feeling hard to love, the pain and grief of losing many loved ones. Anything that had the potential to cause me pain I found it buried in the backyard.

When you are feeling lost, the hardest part is deciding which direction to go and where to even start in the first place. I started by looking on the surface. What book is sitting on top of my figurative table that I will pick up first? I could not start in the middle and pull a book out of the stack or else the rest of the pile of books would tumble over. On the surface was my disappointment with myself and in my life. I wrote a blog about it one year ago, you can check it out here if you are interested. It is titled “When Life Gives You Lemons.” In that blog, I really discussed how I felt like I spent my life shooting for the stars and ended up disappointed when I landed on the moon and never made it further than that…that is, not yet at least. I had to accept that taking an easier route in my life did not mean that I had failed, but that I needed to recognize that sometimes plans in life change and that I had to grow and adapt to the changes that came and will continue to come in the future.

This first step to my self-discovery journey was to learn how to change my mindset. I had to stop looking at how great my life could have been if I followed the path I thought I wanted. I had to start looking at the great things that came because of the experiences, good and bad, that happened throughout my life. What if I pursued everything I thought I wanted? What if my first love never cheated on me? What if I grew up with a different childhood life? What if I never went through a severely manic, followed by severely depressive episode? What if I moved to NYC? What if I was a lawyer? Would I be any happier? Would I love myself more?

This whole journey changed my life because I learned how to change my mindset and take accountability in the way I handled the challenges I had encountered and will continue to encounter in the future. I have grown to find a deep appreciation for all of the bad experiences, the pain, the losses, the grief, the trauma, and even the lousy boys who either cheated on me and/or broke my heart. I’ve allowed myself to let go of things that cause me pain and anger. I’ve grown to love the person that I am. I finally feel proud of the person that I am. Only a couple of weeks ago, I remember telling someone very close to me that the person I am today is the person that my younger, hopeful, idealistic-self would be so proud of. This is the first time in my life that I’ve ever felt proud of who I am. This is the first time in my life where I feel like I am exactly the person that my younger self would have wanted me to be.

I thought I’d made a lot of progress and I found some roadblocks a  little over a month ago that really made me question myself and if I had made any real progress at all. Many more things I’d buried that I did not even realize I had buried started to resurface all at once. I was left trying to deal with all of those things at once. I did, however, realize how much progress I had made when I handled them one by one. I made myself look at each obstacle and find ways to cope with them by feeling all of them deeply, cognitively working through them, and then letting them go. I knew that this journey had changed me when I was able to keep an optimistic mind, and allow the pain and struggles I had rediscovered to motivate me instead of allowing it to deter me in my journey. I was able to force myself to overcome the obstacles instead of standing there, waiting for them to disappear on their own. I actively chose to work through them rather than re-bury them like I would have back in the past. That in itself was exactly the reassurance I needed to remember that I had made more progress than I gave myself credit for.

I’ve came to the realization that you have to be able to fill your own cup instead of depending on others to fill it for you. When I started this journey, my cup was maybe 25% full at the most. Today, I’d say my cup is somewhere close to 90% full. The ability to fill my cup was found because I stopped searching in all the wrong places, all the wrong people, and I stopped searching for all the wrong things. I found the ability to fill my cup all because I started searching within myself. There are days that 90% does dip to 80-85%, and that’s okay. I still know I have work to do. I actively work every single day on myself to find ways to learn, improve and grow. I’m still trying to work on how to allow myself be more vulnerable, and let my walls down more. I am making progress though, because I was once afraid I would not be able to pick myself up if I fell down or got hurt, but I know now, that if I do fall, I’ve got the strength and determination to stand back up again on my own and grow from the experience. I am still learning how to manage and face some of my insecurities. I am learning how to trust myself. There still are things and days where I feel down sometimes which leads me to think I have failed in the progress I’ve made. I have come to find though that it is much easier for me to get back on track now than ever before.  I’m also discovering that this soul searching, self-discovery journey is not only going to take place for a couple of years, but that this is a life-long commitment.

As a favorite lyric from one of my favorite NF songs says, “I’ve got to make it or make it, these are the options.” I have no other choice. Giving up is not an option to me. Allowing the pain of my past or my fears of the future to consume me is not an option. Allowing a couple of bad days to stop me on my journey is not acceptable. While life does get me down sometimes, it won’t keep me down for long. I’ve learned the true meaning of resilience and I will not allow myself to give up on this journey. This journey has brought out a lot of pain at times, but the amount of self-awareness, growth, happiness it has brought me overshadows all the pain I’ve felt. I’ve freed myself from the shackles I’d held myself in for so long. I’ve let go of so many things that have caused me pain and stress. I just live in the moment now. I float in my boat, and allow the wind to direct me to my destination. When a storm comes and it steers me into a potentially bad or dangerous direction, I adjust my sails, take a minute, reflect, and then resume my journey on the path to inner peace. This journey is far from over and I am so happy and grateful that I took the fourth option when I was pressed with those crossroads a year ago. I always remember, good things take time. This is a marathon, not a sprint. All I hope to do is grow and learn more each day about myself as I face challenges, both new ones to come and old ones that I will continue to rediscover and work through.  

For anyone who feels like they want to discover and find themselves, I’d be more than happy to help give you advice, guidance, and lead you to some resources to get started. I can promise you that choosing to discover myself and my soul was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. Despite the pain I’ve felt along the way, I am so grateful that this is the path I have chosen. Thank you for reading this blog today. Have a great week!