“When you look back on this past year, don’t think of the pain you felt. Think of the strength you’ve gained and appreciate how far you’ve come. You’ve been through a lot, but you’ve grown a lot too. Give yourself credit for your resilience, and step forward again with grace.”- Marc & Angel

Hi readers! It’s been a minute since I’ve written. Per usual, I’ve had writers block, and other things I feel that have hindered me from writing. I started this blog a week or so ago, and I titled it before I wrote it. I know it kind of jumps from several different places, but I felt it is one I wanted to share. I guess part of accepting who I am is accepting that my brain is not the most organized place in the world. So, here we go!

I tend to overshare with people when I feel the most relaxed, most “at peace,” and most comfortable. Not only am I a deep person to begin with, I seemingly  “overshare” with those people I should (and for the most part) feel secure with. I do not intend to talk too much and/or “overshare” because I am high on drugs or because I’ve drank too much (OKAY, I’ll admit it to the folks that know me, yes I have one too many drinks sometimes so, this might be the case occasionally).

I do, however get to this point where I feel “high on life.” I am just at this peaceful place, one that is not forced, one that comes out of nowhere. I am not sitting on a beach trying to force myself to relax and feel this “peace.” I believe inner peace comes from within. However, whenever I feel this peace and happiness and genuine vibe, I become anxious. I begin to question, “when will the ball drop?” When will this peace and happiness go away? Sometimes, I even begin sabotaging it myself because honestly,  it hurts and brings me a lot of disappointment when I begin feeling like I am losing my inner peace and happiness.

I can be annoying when I am happy which sounds silly, but true. I love to share the happiness honestly. There is NOTHING more that I love than laughing with others, and cheering people up on days that feel very non-cheerful. To laugh is to live. My sense of humor does not always translate well with others unfortunately. I laugh with others yes, but I love to laugh with myself. I love to giggle as I am trying to improve my rapping skills as I drive around for an hour restarting the same song that I want to learn. I love to be silly. I love to enjoy the company of others. I just love to be happy. I also love my sad, therapeutic cries at times because I always know what is hopefully to come…laughter. I giggle at myself sometimes at my sadness. I am like “Kaitlin, you were acting ridiculous crying over this and that. Get it together girl!” I also know that it’s important to feel all of the feels because bottling sadness and frustrations up  too much leaves little room for happiness and laughter.

I am a nurse, I want to feel needed, and valued. It’s funny to think about sometimes how I am in a health profession because I want to be needed. I love to help people. I love to encourage others. I love to share happiness with other people. I love to give people hope when their hopes are running dry, I love to be supportive of people when they need support the most. I just genuinely love being a nurse. Yes, of course there are good and bad days but honestly it was a calling, not a choice. I cannot see myself doing anything else. I want to serve others and give my love and care to those who do need it most.

I’ve been listening to and reading the book “Miss Me With That” by Rachel Lindsay. I can say, that book has been incredible, much like the many books I read and/or listen to. One thing that stuck out to me in this book in particular is the fact that Rachel did not have her life go any type of way that she planned it. She had a full life plan idea, much like I did, one that included going to law school in which I did not do. Fortunately, she did. However, even after achieving that goal, she still had unhappiness in her heart. I think for me, I am so caught up in trying (once again) to make this life for myself. I have this plan or this idea and I seem to find myself disappointed every single time.

I had this thought while I was listening to this book, “I am going to be in my thirties saying LOL to the things that I thought were hard in my 20s.” I know I will be grateful for the things that have come my way. Part of this thought was prompted by the book, but another part of me was watching Tik Tok and I came across a Tik Tok of a girl making an ice cream cake at DQ. It made me giggle, because I remember when those days working at DQ were the days I was afraid I would not make it through. My oh my the things I wish I could tell that girl at the age of 21-22.

Life has a way of surprising you, sometimes for good reasons and sometimes for painful reasons. I hate pain if you want me to be honest. I will go out of my way to avoid the pain that can come with rejection and disappointment.

I disconnect from people I feel the most emotions towards because if we’re being honest, I am scared. I’ve lost people in my life unexpectedly. I’ve held myself subconsciously accountable for the losses. I also spent a lot of my childhood being reminded of my shortcomings and very little of my successes. I spent a lot of time wanting love and validation. I spent a lot of time giving myself, my time, and my energy to everyone else in the hopes that I could save them. I wanted to save those I loved because I did not want to lose them the way I neglected those I did lose.

The problem is that I let time pass. I often forget how fast time passes and how quickly people change and develop into who they are.

You know that line in the song “You Know You Like It” by AlunaGeorge that says “life can be cruel if you’re a dreamer?” I have felt that lyric in my soul from the second I heard it even up until this day right now. I dream big. I have these expectations of life that seemingly let me down a lot. I feel discouraged a lot of the time. I wonder, is this how I am supposed to feel at this point in my life right now?

Self-reflection isn’t the easiest thing in the world. However, actually implementing the things you see that need changing and actually sticking to this goal is even harder. It’s almost like you are motivating yourself to avoid that candy bar when you are desperately wanting it. We do have moments of weakness. We use our feelings as excuses sometimes for the times that we slip up. I do think holding yourself accountable is important, but never allowing yourself to make mistakes and holding yourself to this impossible standard is not healthy nor helpful to your growth. Shame does not facilitate growth.

There once was a time in my life that I would dim someone else’s light in order for mine to shine. I felt my light was not very bright to begin with. I struggled with a lot of insecurities and I was also very blind to the affects in which my actions were having on people around me. I became very emotionally cold to the world. I can say that although I spend more time reflecting on the effects that my emotional bitterness had on those around me, I often neglect to recognize the effects that it also had on me.

I use humor to mask the pain I feel a lot of the time. If you want me to be honest, I think the people who seem to be the strongest or the ones who appear to always be fine all of the time might be the ones to struggle the most sometimes. I always reflect back to the phrase I’ve heard many times, “hurt people, hurt other people.” I have tried taking that approach with those around me now, because I know that when I was hurting, I lashed out and ended up hurting people around me very deeply.

The grace I have found for those who remind me of the person I once was is one that I sometimes wish I didn’t have. I feel like I allow this negative energy of someone else affect me as a person at such a deep soul level, which to me, seems ridiculous. If you would have told me a year or two ago that I was a miserable, sad person who was unstable and just bitched, moaned, and complained about life, I would probably have fought you to the death to defend that I was not. Ironically, I know that I was indeed a miserable, sad, lost and confused person who did not have enough self-awareness to not hurt those around me. I was envious of those around me, that they were not miserable, sad, or unstable. So I tried to level the playing field. I ended up making them miserable, sad, and hurt.

The thing I wish I had back then that I feel I have much more of now is self-awareness and the ability to feel remorse. I also know that I was young, lost, and confused. Although not excuses for the behavior, they are catalysts now for me to implement and strive for real change within myself. I’ve grown older, still a bit lost and confused, but I’ve really worked a lot on healing (a lot of, but not all) of the pain and trauma that may have caused me to lash out to those around me.

This blog post is a little bit all over the place. Much like my A.D.H.D brain, my thoughts flow in so many different directions and it’s hard to condense them down to one post sometimes. I feel like I drone on a lot about the same thing because I do have trouble organizing all of the things going on inside of my head. The moral of this story is simple: although you have a ways to go, do not forget how far you’ve come. I often do forget that fine detail. However, the growth I’ve experienced in the last year is one that I cannot even thank God enough for. Life took some crazy turns, but I know each and every day I will grow into a better person and will work to become even better than I was the day before.

We often forget how far we’ve come because we are too focused on how far we have left to go. We don’t give ourselves credit for the things we have overcome. We continue to search for ways to improve. We become discouraged when we feel that we are regressing in the growth we’ve had.

Thank you for reading. I hope your growth is one that you feel is coming along. Don’t ever forget that small steps are still steps. Have a blessed day.