“Forgive yourself for not knowing better at the time. Forgive yourself for giving away your power. Forgive yourself for past behaviors. Forgive yourself for the survival patterns and traits you picked up while enduring trauma. Forgive yourself for being who you needed to be.” -Audrey Kitching

Forgiving myself is definitely something that I have been working on. I held a lot of resentment towards myself because of some of the choices I had made as a teenager and young adult. I was angry with myself for not chasing the dreams I had once worked so hard for. I was angry that I felt that I let fear get in the way of pursuing my dreams. I was angry with myself for feeling emotionally dependent on others, questioning as to why I could not be self-sufficient on my own. I held a lot of anger at myself because of my insecurities in my abilities, and fears I have about pursuing difficult career paths in nursing such as intensive care nursing or emergency/trauma nursing. I always tried to force myself to work harder, learn faster, and be better than my yesterday self. This led me to feeling this horrible sense of inadequacy, thinking I was not ever going to amount to my true abilities.

Throughout this self-discovery journey, I have really forced myself to examine the true, deep reasons I feel so frustrated in myself. I had to ask myself, if I took the path I always thought I would: going to law school, moving to the city, and living in an overpriced apartment, would I truly be happier than I am right now? To be fully honest, I think I would have been miserable. I don’t think that life path was my chosen life path and I had to accept it and move on. So, I chose a career in nursing. I chose this career for a few reasons. First reason: I really didn’t have another option at the time. I felt kind of pressured to pick a major to pursue so I could get through school, get a job, and move on with my life. Second reason: I needed a career that would allow me to be financially self-sufficient. It was never an option to me to be dependent on someone else to financially support me. Third reason: I have always had this crazy desire to change the world. I might not be changing the world by being a nurse, however I only can hope that I make some type of positive impact on my patient’s lives in my day to day career journey. However, I have come to find that my patients have changed my life far more than I could ever change theirs. Meeting different types of people from different backgrounds, with different life experiences, and different diagnoses has opened up so many horizons. It has expanded my levels of empathy and compassion in ways I never thought existed. As the emotionally closed off person that I am, seeing someone who is watching their loved one suffer, praying for their recovery has really made me value those deep connections with others. It has made me want to love more, care more, and become more vulnerable. I want to allow myself to grow as a person in my career but also in my personal life.

I’ve made mistakes. I have done questionable things that I am still paying for in present day time. I have drank too many drinks, told too many lies, and gave myself to too many people that didn’t deserve it. I’ve took the easy road many times before, I’ve stayed in relationships that I should have gotten out of, I’ve used people, I have said mean things to people, I have stabbed friends in the back, I have talked crap about people, I’ve bragged about my accomplishments while I’ve put someone else down for theirs, I’ve been narcissistic, I’ve been arrogant, I’ve failed classes, I’ve cheated on assignments, I’ve done more than this but I am probably digging myself into a deeper hole as I go along. All of these things brought me to another question I had to ask myself: who would I be today without these past experiences? I can say this with full confidence, I would not be sitting here right now writing this blog if I had not made so many mistakes in the past. I had to come to terms with my mistakes and own them. I have to remember the questionable things I have done in order to not repeat them.

During this self-discovery journey, I took a lot of time to really examine my personality type and enneagram type. I HIGHLY recommend doing this because I learned so much about myself and my soul that I didn’t really know before. I started meditating and doing mindfulness exercises to help with my stress, anxiety, and loss of direction.  I remember starting this blog and writing an entire post about how I feel like I am not accomplishing enough, not feeling good enough, and feeling inadequate. I went back and re-read that post and from then to now, I can see a full, complete difference in the way I feel.

In order to forgive myself, I had to accept the things in my past that I cannot change, and find new ways to improve my future.

I have come to terms that I might not ever be all that I had imagined myself to be and THAT IS OKAY. I now realize that pushing myself toward a goal that I honestly do not feel passionate about is only wasting my time and energy. I have come to embrace my anxious mess of a self, and try to loosen the grip I’ve had on myself for so long. I had to accept the person that I am, even if that someone has mild anger problems at times, is highly sensitive, with deep emotional intuition, and feels insecure at times. I have found so much worth in myself, considering this to be a “work in progress” each and every day. I might not ever be the head CEO of a company. I might not ever be the “best” nurse on whatever units I work on throughout my career. I might never live in a big city. I might not have completed my education at Ball State, I dropped out, and took an easier route for me at the time. I might have taken several years to get to where I am now. I might not ever be the smartest person in a room. In fact, if I am ever the smartest person in a room, it is time for me to find a new room.

The best part of forgiving myself, and accepting the parts of me that I am not always the most fond of, is that it has allowed me to channel more energy into filling my own bucket of happiness. For the first time in my life, I truly feel happy with the person that I am. I spent so much time feeling disappointed in myself for constantly needing another person  (a relationship for a better word) to fill some sort of emotional void I was experiencing. The emotional void I once had has since disappeared. I allowed myself to just let go and release all of these built up feelings of anger and resentment. I can confidently say at this point, If I had to be alone, I could survive, and live a meaningful life that I could be proud of. I could not say the same thing a year ago. If I was alone then, I probably would have fallen apart. I’ve found that having someone to love me is a gift, and an added bonus to the love I have for myself. I have learned to love my highly sensitive, compassionate, curious, idealistic, silly soul that I have. I have accepted that this is the life I live, this is the small town in Indiana I live in and I might as well make the most out of what I have at this moment. Forgiving myself has also allowed me to see myself much more clearly, learning what things I am willing to accept from others and what I am not. It has blessed me with new-found strength and a little bit more vulnerability that I didn’t have before.

I know now that I don’t want to put too much pressure on my goals of the future. If I get there, I get there. My goals have significantly changed throughout this journey but the basis of my dream to change the world will always be the same. I want to write a book, continue my blog, and reach all types of people throughout the process. I can change things on a small scale. I can offer advice to others, I can be a listening ear to those who need it. I can be non-judgmental, and encourage people to be kinder to others since we never know what battles they are facing at the time. I can build others up when they feel down. I can write these blogs in hope of connecting with someone else who has struggled with the same things. I can empathize with patients in my nursing career and offer them comfort, guidance, or even just a prayer when they are in need. Forgiving myself has allowed me to give an extra little bit of TLC to my soul that I truly needed. Self-care is so important, and practicing self-love is imperative. We bring more to the table than what we give ourselves credit for. To be rare is a gift. To be yourself, the one person unlike anyone else, and to value that person feels so liberating. I just have to always remember that one small step each day in the right direction will lead me where I truly need to be.

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