“Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our most accurate measure of courage.” -Brene Brown

How many times in your life have you heard people tell you that showing emotion is a sign of weakness? I cannot even count the amount of times I’ve heard that before. I also cannot count the amount of times I’ve personally told myself that in my mind. I’ve made myself believe this false lie that opening up to someone, showing my insecurities, my emotions, and the pain I hold inside are all traits that “strong” people do not do.

When you think of someone who is strong, what comes to your mind? Do you see someone who is physically fit? Do you see someone who is emotionless and appears tough all of the time on the outside, and is so closed off on the inside? If so, I want you to take second, open a new tab and go to a new google search. I want you to then type in “strong person” and see the results that appear. *Warning, the results may and probably will shock you.*

The hardest battle you will ever fight is one when you are at war with yourself. There is that part of you holding back your emotions in fear, but there is another part of you encouraging you to chase those uncomfortable moments, for those moments could bring you the joy you might be silently searching for.

It takes a vulnerable person to openly admit that they themselves feel very weak at any given moment. I’m not here to put on an act or to pretend that things in my head have not been a little messed up now for a while. I’ve been lost, confused, angry and all of the above for quite some time now. I’ve been asking myself everyday what is going on but it seems as if I have never found any answers...until now.

I usually try to remain in my comfort zone. Life outside of my cozy box is just not for me. The problem with this comfort zone is that it restricts me from truly growing and bettering myself in my life. It holds me back from building connections with other people. It holds me back from advancing in my career. It holds my mind back from moving forward from the past. If you want me to be honest, I feel like sometimes this fear of stepping outside of my comfort zone truly holds me hostage in misery.

Let’s flip the script here. I like to try new things. Of course, there are a lot of times that I need that extra boost or push internally to do these things but at the end of the day, I truly hold this belief that without facing fears, opening my mind, and stepping into my uncomfortable zone, that I will never truly grow or bloom as a person. I want to challenge myself to be open, vulnerable, and to show up every time, even when it hurts. It’s almost as if part of me wants one thing and another part of me wants another and neither side knows how to agree on the best option for me.

Have you opened your heart and soul to someone, then you were left broken-hearted and destroyed in the end?  I think almost every single one of us have felt this and have developed many different coping mechanisms to handle this pain and disappointment. When you feel as if most of what you’ve experienced in your life is loss and disappointment, how can someone expect you to be open and vulnerable? Have you ever loved a little too hard? Have you ever given more of yourself to someone who didn’t deserve all of you? Have you ever closed your heart off in fear of feeling this disappointment and pain once again? I know I have.

To be loved, to be (at least somewhat) understood, to be seen, to be desired, to be appreciated, to be supported when we feel like we are falling apart, aren’t those things we all deeply crave even if we don’t want to admit it? While most of you reading this probably feel like you have so much love to give, you may often wonder why you feel that you do not receive the love in return? Is it because you choose the wrong people to open your soul to? Is it because you are giving too much of yourself away when you need to ensure that you are fulfilled in your soul first? Or, is it because you are fearful to open your heart to vulnerability and allow someone to return that same love to you?

We close ourselves off to so many possibilities out of fear. We are the creators of our own destiny, but we are also the biggest barriers standing between ourselves and the deep cravings of our souls. There may come a time in which your soul stops listening to the fears in your mind and it pursues what it desires. You may not always want this to happen but it’s like you have no control. All of a sudden, you are opening up this vulnerable portal of yourself to someone you swore you’d never show these emotions to. You’re pouring out pieces of you that you’ve kept hidden and private for so long and it’s almost as if you cannot stop. You begin to reject this idea of vulnerability, you refuse to allow this person to see this side of you, you refute their argument that maybe, just maybe, even you might be a little bit broken inside too. 

A very wise friend of mine once sent me this one day: “Do what you have to do so that you can do what you want to do.” This statement applies to almost everything in life. In order to get what you want, you must do what is necessary to get to that point. You know, sometimes I think we always think of “doing what we have to do” in means of pursuing a career, working towards a goal, and/or other means of financial revenue. But, how often do we think of this in terms of doing what we have to do in order to become who we want to be?

What is it in your life that you want to do that will require you to be pushed out of your comfort zone? Stepping outside of your own boundaries requires true vulnerability. How much are you willing to risk in order to be able to do, have, and/or be who or what you want to be? When we get hurt, we generally disconnect from those around us. We swear to ourselves that we will not allow our hearts feel that type of pain again. We close up into a shell and we start to neglect the basic desires of our soul, whatever those desires may be. To a lot of you reading this blog and to myself included, we have to stop looking at vulnerability as a weakness and realize that the ability for one to be vulnerable despite the pain, disappointment, and fears they have been consumed with is not weakness. It is true strength. We must be willing to find comfort in our vulnerability in order to grow, prosper, and to be able to build connections with those around us.

The power to cry when you feel sad is a strength, not a weakness. To be strong means that you have the power to recognize that it is not to force yourself to close off emotionally, seek ways to feel numb, and/or disconnect from those around you. To be strong is to face your fears of vulnerability, to become resilient after the moments of pain, and to put yourself in that apprehensive position once again. To be strong is to pull yourself out of your comfort zone in order to force yourself into finding more comfort in being more open, more vulnerable, more risk-taking, and to be able to feel that fear and pursue it wholeheartedly anyway.   

This year, my “word of the year” I created for myself and set the goal to do was: Discover. I wanted to discover myself, to discover others, and to discover my path and purpose a little more. Each year will continue to be a path for growth, but I really wanted to catapult my growth this year so badly. Lately, I’ve felt like I have really regressed in my growth progress and I’ve been beating myself up almost every day since. I truthfully question how I messed up my life so quickly after trusting myself and the only thing I’ve discovered is how lost I can get in such a quick amount of time. I then started to think I could not even trust myself anymore to make the decisions that are best for me.

Despite my own self-sabotaging thoughts, I could not help but think about this: what if these negative things that have disappointed me and/or have hurt my heart and soul this year did not happen? What if I never opened my soul to someone unintentionally and discovered the true meaning and importance of vulnerability? What if I never discovered the fact that there is more to life than being isolated alone in my home? What if I never re-discovered and reconnected with my best friend that I’d pushed away when I was so emotionally closed off? What if I never discovered that sometimes my intuition might lead me down a rocky path, but it’s the path that will allow me the most growth? What if I never discovered that I have a purpose on this planet which includes using my non-judgmental, intuitive, and empathetic personality that I have to help guide others to see the light inside of their own darkness? What if I never discovered that this moment of feeling broken, lost and confused is the moment in which I have been created and conditioned myself for? What if, maybe, this is the moment I discover how strong I really have become?

While I might feel ready to close myself off to the world again, I have been very critical of myself for wanting to do that. I am going to force myself to grow this time and not take the comfortable route out of this one because some of the best feelings I’ve ever had in my life were ones I felt while I was at my most vulnerable. I constantly question myself and how I allowed my intuition to guide me in the direction that caused me to become so lost and confused in my life. The biggest question of them all: would I have experienced more or less self-growth with or without these challenges?

In order to grow, you must be willing to find a way to let your walls down. This does not mean it has to happen overnight. It does not mean you have to crumble all of your walls down at once either. I always suggest people keep a cautious guard in place. This is just a very small safety net that is just enough for you to have just in case you need to pull back from something that you clearly see is going to hurt you. There is a difference between keeping a healthy guard up to the world in order to protect yourself at your core level and putting up tall, brick solid walls up to shield you from the world.

The realization I’ve been coming to discover is that while I might be a little bit lost right now, the only way to find true happiness is to challenge myself to remain vulnerable even on the days I’d rather close myself off. I think too much, and my thoughts always reinforce these negative ideas. I’m a little bit of a mess sometimes. I’m a very sensitive soul. I will feel things too deeply sometimes. I will lead myself down paths that are not the most ideal. I’ll make poor decisions. I’ll make mistakes. While I unfortunately seem to reinforce these negative thoughts much more frequently in my mind, there are also thoughts that despite being quieter, speak much louder than the negativity that I feed my mind.

The thoughts I believe to be truth begin with this; although my intuition might occasionally lead me down paths I am not prepared for, it will also be the map that will always guide me through. It will never matter how lost I find myself, my soul will always find the way. If my soul is unable to find the way, I will create my own way. I am in control of who I am and who I want to be. I have the power to do and become anyone and/or anything I choose to be. In order to trust my soul, I must accept that have to be vulnerable and open to all outcomes (good and potentially bad) that may proceed. So, today, I choose to remain lost. I choose to remain optimistic. I choose to challenge myself to remain vulnerable. I choose to remain strong in my desire to understand myself deeper and grow in places I have never grown before. As Henry David Thoreau once quoted: “Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.”