“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”- Albert Einstein

Whether we identify them as insecurities, flaws, shortcomings, or faults, each and every one of us have these traits we feel inside of our minds.  I would love to fill this post with logical words of advice, share an algorithm or create a simple “how-to” guide on how to not allow our insecurities within ourselves consume our life. However, I know that each individual experiences and deals with their own personal shortcomings very differently, in a way unique to them. Instead in this post, I want to share my own personal journey and my perspective on the steps and actions I’ve taken to identify and work through my own insecurities and challenges that arise with others and with myself.  

Identification

They say the first step in solving a problem is to identify it. I think most of us have heard that saying before. For me personally, my problem I have identified many times is that my own feelings of inadequacy have held me back from opportunities out of fear, or they have kept me feeling stuck in places that no longer served me, and some have led to the damage and sometimes demise of many relationships I’ve had throughout my life. My insecurities also contribute to the “up and down” shift in my amount of self-confidence and self-worth that I have, causing me to have to rebuild these time and time again.

Acceptance

I’ve accepted that I cause a lot of my own misery. I think this is something that I will not be able to fix overnight and I have to have patience to continue working to be better.

When a problem or challenge is presented, each of us handle it differently. Some methods are constructive, others, not so much. Avoidance of challenges and problems in life only prolongs the effects they can have. Poor coping mechanisms are typically used when it comes to avoiding the things that are hard and painful. I think it’s human nature to avoid the pain that comes as we work through things within ourselves and with other people.  If I said I had great coping mechanisms for all of life’s obstacles, and the mental prison that is my own mind, I’d be lying to you. 

There will be problems that arise from time to time that we are not fully aware even exist up to that moment. Battles with those we love, those we work with, and battles within ourselves can all be difficult to approach. I feel that for me personally, battles within myself are the hardest ones to fight and also some of the hardest to identify. It’s easy to become defensive when someone points out a problem in myself, because I almost get into this “fight or flight” response of feeling attacked or criticized. Typically, it is in the heat of an argument in which the opposing person points out my flaws, so emotions are already high as it is.

I believe that learning how to accept constructive feedback and criticism is a healthy and critical component in the growth process. As the famous author, researcher, and professor Brene Brown states: “we are emotional, feeling beings, who on occasion…think.” We think and act on our emotions. For some, our emotions control us more than we control them, and for others it might be the opposite. Either way, reacting emotionally to things that we feel threatened or hurt by is a normal, natural human body response. Some feel things much deeper than others. Some are more accepting of their flaws than others, but as emotional beings, we don’t always handle feedback constructively every single time.

Pausing for Reflection

So, when you are approached about a flaw in yourself whether it be in a constructive or deconstructive manner, do your best to pause and take a second to breathe before you react. Not everything someone says is meant personally, but when things are heated, communication becomes blurry. Hurtful comments get thrown around, and demeaning words turn into a defense mechanism. Avoid saying hurtful comments out of anger, but also avoid saying them in response to someone else’s behavior. Words do indeed hurt. We cannot take back words after they are already said, and sometimes people say things out of anger that they do not always mean. It can be hard to hold your tongue when you’re frustrated, especially if you are impulsive and short-tempered like me. However, hurting someone back even though they’ve hurt me never makes me feel better about myself, in fact, it actually makes me feel much worse.

This is still something I am working through. I feel grateful though that each day I have an opportunity to do better when it comes to taking that moment to pause. It’s still not a perfected skill and may never will be. I’m human, and I will react emotionally at times. I just have to work on it as these challenges are presented to me.

Communication

Not only is it important to work on communication with other people in order for relationships and friendships to succeed, it is important to learn to communicate with yourself. Ask yourself questions and check in with yourself when you feel frustrated, hurt, or embarrassed. It’s important to verbalize these emotions with others as well. Although feelings such as pain, or rejection can cause us to react in unacceptable ways, it is still not an excuse for disrespectful behavior towards other people. Our own emotions can get projected onto others easily, and a lot of the time we don’t always recognize we are doing it. There is a difference between an excuse and giving a rationale, especially if we recognize things we maybe said or did out of fear, or related to our own feelings of inadequacy. Rationales can help with understanding the things we do, and why we do them, which can be a potential catalyst for growth.

Be honest about how you feel in a way that is constructive. Avoid putting someone else down, especially if your intentions are pure. If someone does bring something to your attention, please know that the point is  NOT to argue. Avoid immediately becoming defensive, and do not minimize or invalidate someone else’s feelings if you are the one being approached about something you may have done that hurt someone. After all, how do we know most of what we are doing wrong if we are never given any feedback?  Listen attentively, and know that YES, we sometimes hurt others unintentionally. However, we have to put a stop to the pattern of subconsciously or even consciously hurting other people simply because we feel hurt inside ourselves.

I’ve found that communication with myself has helped me identify insecurities I feel, which helps me become more accepting and more motivated to work through them. I think it’s healthy and important to be honest with yourself, and to have grace and forgiveness for yourself as well. Identify your personal values, needs, and limitations. Communication is hard, both with others and with ourselves.

Having Humility

The people who pretend that they have it all together, those who pretend they have no flaws and that the world causes all of their problems are the people I prefer not to surround myself with. I enjoy conversations with the people who are more open to admit that they are indeed, not perfect. We are all inherently flawed. We all sin. We all make mistakes. We all react in ways we don’t always choose to. It’s frightening sometimes to open up our emotions, or to show others our flaws. Whether it be because of our fears of what others would think of us or out of fear about how we think of ourselves, we inherently protect our vulnerable side.

I write my blogs with an intent and a purpose. I want to share my experiences, my thoughts, my insecurities and the things I need to work through with others in hopes that it helps them work through things of their own. It did not happen overnight that I realized the many things I have worked through and the things I still need to work on. It happens on a day-to-day basis. There are probably a million more things that I will find through the future that are problems within myself. Old habits may die, new habits may form.  

The only person I want to be better than in this life is to become better than the version of myself I was before. I believe my competition is fully within myself, because life is not always about being the best everything. Do YOUR best to become the person you want to be. You don’t have to be at the same growth phase as your best friend, your favorite celebrity, or even me. I personally feel very far behind in my self-discovery and growth sometimes but I also know that we grow at the speed we are meant to grow, not at the exact same speed as the flower next to us.

Patience And Dedication

Whether it be working towards a career goal, building something new, growing within yourself, putting a puzzle together, or even solving a rubix cube, the one thing that all of these actions have in common is that it takes it takes patience and dedication in order to accomplish them.

Do not give up on your growth because you make a mistake, or because you had a moment of regressing back to an old habit. Recognize it. Take accountability. Have grace for yourself in that moment, because most of us will make mistakes. Then, refocus your attention back onto the road ahead of you instead of getting too caught up looking at road behind you.

Maybe the solutions and methods you are using to approach things are not working in the way you’d like. That’s okay! Try different approaches until you find the best ways to help YOU grow. Just like a flower may require a fertilized, well-drained soil, a particular pH, and a certain amount of light and water in order to grow and bloom at its full potential, SO DO YOU. You most definitely can and should adjust and try new approaches as you feel fit, as long as you do not lose sight of the growth goal that you have within yourself.

Thank you for reading, have a blessed day and Happy Easter.